


Hurricane Thunderclap

by thenleavetheband



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, But then being fixed, Drug Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, It's Louis being very sad and broken, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Punk Nick, So much angst, Swearing, Very happy ending!, like always, possible non/con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:07:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenleavetheband/pseuds/thenleavetheband
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He got you good. He got you good. He got you good. </p><p>Louis couldn’t escape from the mess of him that Jake had made. It was like he was a broken puzzle and only Jake knew where the edges were, knew how to put them back together. Jake had broken him apart so he’d be jagged in all the place he’d hated most. And Nick was staring at him like he could make some kind of difference. </p><p>And Louis wanted him gone, because Nick was beautiful and Louis’ insides were ugly, but Nick was always so fucking intent on ripping him open just so he could call it healing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Wish I Had Known

**Author's Note:**

> HI THIS IS IMPORTANT: 
> 
> So, this story does deal with abuse within a relationship. Louis is quite heavily emotionally abused, and there is implied suggestions of mild non/con as well, so please please don't read if that is triggering or upsetting for anyone. I would hate for anyone to be upset by this. There is also mentions of drug abuse, that is enforced by my original male character, Jake, who is the abuser in this story. 
> 
> The first chapter is primarily about the beginning of Louis' abusive relationship. The second two chapters are full of his healing and the part Nick plays in that. Due to this, it's not very Tomlinshaw at the beginning and I apologise, but I promise it will be later on.
> 
> Please please let me know if I've missed anything out, and you would like me to tag any warnings! 
> 
> P.S. I started writing this before the whole Zayn drama, so I'd just like people to know that I'm not trying to villanise Zayn in any way, this was just who I wanted him to be at the beginning but he does develop into a nicer character towards the end. I think I've said everything, please feel free to send me a message if you think otherwise and enjoy if you can!

‘Lou, Lou, Lou,’

‘Mum, mum, mum,’ Louis crooned back, grinning to himself when she threw her arms around his neck and held him tightly to her. He laughed a little hysterically into her hair, eyeing his siblings over his mum’s heads to make sure they weren’t trying to steal any of the champagne he’d caught them staring at earlier. When she pulled back, Louis’ eyes caught on her smudged eye make-up and too large smile and felt a little tug of frustration in his chest. She was drunk. 

She was drunk, but it was New Year’s Eve, and everyone was drunk. Louis himself was well on the way there, so he figured there wasn’t really anything he could say about it.

‘Happy New Year baby,’ she whispered and Louis’ face softened, a fondness spreading across his shoulders and down to his stomach.

‘Happy New Year,’ he whispered back, smiling a little as his mum reached forward to yank him into another massive hug, a whiff of her Prada perfume wafting around her.

Louis didn’t even know you could get Prada perfume. He thought Prada was handbags, and at possibly, shoes. Perfume was like a whole new ball game. But no, they did make Prada perfume and his step-dad had bought his mum three whole bottles of it. The stuff probably cost a hell of a lot more than it should, but Dan doted on his mum, practically fawned at her feet, and so Louis had rolled his eyes only a little bit when he had watched his mum unwrap her gift.

His mum staggered away precariously on her heels, muttering to herself as she went. ‘This year’s gonna be the best so far. The best so far.’

Louis thumbed at his nose as he smiled, wincing a little as his mum sloshed champagne over some poor woman’s feet. He fiddled with his own glass, swirling the drink round and round.

‘On your third glass already?’

He turned at the voice and grinned. ‘Yep. On my way to very happily smashed, thanks.’

Louis eyed the still full glass of wine in Liam’s own huge paw and raised his eyebrows. ‘You’re meant to drink it yeah?’

‘Yes, I am aware, thank you.’ Liam grinned at him, throwing an arm over Louis’ shoulder. Louis was a fair bit shorter than him, and resented the height difference only a little bit. Like only a little fucking bit. But Liam rarely let him forget it. Making sure to constantly affirm Louis’ shortness obviously seemed like a very practical and loving thing to do on Liam’s part.

‘Oh yeah, but you don’t really like alcohol do you?’ Louis said, smoothly downing the rest of his drink in one go. Liam pinched his shoulder.

‘Hey. That is not a bad thing. Maybe I just don’t need to be off my face to have a good time.’

‘Or maybe you’re just a middle class mother’s wet dream. Seriously. Don’t talk so loud unless you want all the mother’s in here with single daughters to be after your arse. And they will squish you Liam. Literally. With their Prada fucking hells.’ Louis faux-whispered, widening his eyes in supposed terror.

‘That’s not gonna happen. And daughter’s and son’s, thanks very much. Not that it really matters that much because-’

‘Oh God, no, you’re right. I forgot. Because along with the cherub face, perfect body and amazing intelligence, you’re a good little Christian boy, who doesn’t even date.’ Louis pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, pushing away the hand Liam had reached out to smack his arm. ‘I’m sorry, it’s just, being reminded of your perfection makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Especially, when my mum decides to remind me as well.’

Liam frowned, scrunching up his nose. ‘Louis, your mum loves you.’

‘Payno,’ Louis replied, reaching out to squeeze his friend’s shoulder. ‘I am very aware of that. I just mean that, compared to your unreachable talent of being the most charming bachelor in this rich, fucked up area, I am like, the fucking squib.’

‘I don’t think that’s true Louis.’ Liam said gently, and his reprimanding tone of voice made Louis smile. He had been Liam’s friend since Year 5, when he had managed to convince Liam to go swimming with him in the school pond. And even though he was crying and nervous, Liam still got right into that pond and stayed there with Louis until the teacher’s caught them.

And as a thank you, and a gesture of ‘hey wanna be my mate?’ Louis had thrown the clay he was supposed to be crafting into a hedgehog or bat or something, right at the head of William Key; a douchebag of a kid who had been bullying Liam for as long as Louis had memories of the boy.

After that, it had taken Louis a good month or so to convince Liam that he wasn’t pranking him and did actually want to be his friend, and then it had just gone from there. Apparently, Liam had met William in Tesco’s a couple of days ago, and the bellend had had the nerve to ask Liam on a date.

Liam had been flattered. Louis had been fuming. 

‘So,’ Liam said, nudging him back into reality. ‘Last year of Sixth Form.’ 

Louis groaned. ‘Please don’t.’

‘It’s gonna be fun.’

‘It’s going to not be fun.’

‘We have more independence, Lou. Free periods and more home study. We don’t even have to go to those stupid assemblies anymore.’

‘We also have a shit load more work, and university to figure out.’ Louis countered. He took a step towards the bar and cleared his throat, catching his younger sister’s eye where she was reaching out for a glass of champagne. Lottie stared defiantly at him for a few moments until he raised one of his eyebrows, and she sighed and rolled her eyes back.

‘You suck,’ she mouthed.

 ‘I know,’ Louis mouthed back before grinning and making a little ‘shoo’ gesture with his hand.

‘Fucking kids,’ Louis grumbled. ‘And as well as all of that, you young Payno have got to start thinking about marriage.’

Liam flushed a deep red and bumped his shoulder into Louis’. ‘Go away. No I don’t.’

‘Of course you do,’ Louis crowed, grabbing Liam’s arm and steering him round to look at the room full of people. ‘And this, right here in this room, is the glorious pool of potentials you get to choose from.’

‘You do realise this isn’t the 17th century?’ Liam deadpanned, leaning up against the bar with Louis. ‘I could choose someone outside of our parent’s group of friends.’

‘Well yes, you could.’ Louis drawled. ‘But think of how disappointed they’ll be. Another champagne please,’ he added to the bartender, who quickly handed him a glass from the silver platter they’d been placed on.

‘Thanks mate.’ Louis smiled.

Liam rolled his eyes and glanced over to his parents on the other side of the dance floor. ‘They don’t care that I’m bi.’

Louis nodded and took a sip, waiting for Liam to finish his sentence. He found that allowing Liam time, and silent encouragement, helped him articulate himself a lot better. When he was younger, he was so used to being bullied and talked over that even now, as a young man, he still needed reassurance.

‘So, I don’t see why they would care if I didn’t marry within this particular group of young people.’ Liam continued and gestured around the room.

‘Because my little Leemo, being bisexual is part of _you_. And they love _you_.’ Louis nudged his hand into the centre of Liam’s chest. ‘But marrying outside of this circle is part of parent politics that I don’t think they even fully understand.’

Liam nodded and looked down at the floor. Louis immediately felt bad in a way that only Liam could drag out of him. It was shitty, being married to posh, rich parents that had an exact list of the people they thought were ‘suitable’. It meant endless play dates with people you didn’t even like that much, birthday parties that felt more like compatibility tests and the somewhat scary knowledge that true and genuine love, might not even be on the cards.

And as down-heartened as Liam felt right now, Louis knew that, really, Liam had it okay. Both Danielle and Sophia were on the Liam’s list, and Louis knew that he had definitely fancied both of them at one point or another. It would just take a few more lunches with his mum that would turn into ‘oh Liam look who’s here, what a coincidence bumping into you Sophia or Danielle’ and the deal would be done.

As if on cue, Liam’s mother Karen began to walk their way, her arm linked firmly with Sophia’s.

‘Oh what brilliant timing!’ Louis said happily as they approached, smiling widely at both of them. Liam smiled politely at Sophia, leaning forward to give her the mandatory hug.

‘Liam, dear, why don’t you dance with lovely Sophia for a bit hmm?’ Karen suggested gently.

‘Yeah sure,’ Liam agreed. ‘I mean, uh, if you want to. Obviously.’

Louis rolled his eyes and leaned back, with both elbows propped up behind him on the bar.

‘That would be lovely,’ Sophia replied. She laughed a little at Liam’s blush and slipped her hand into his, pulling him towards the dance floor.

Louis watched amused as Liam was dragged into the middle of the room, Sophia gently guiding his hands to her waist. 

‘And how are you this evening Lou?’ Karen asked as she came to stand beside him, keeping her eyes firmly latched on her son. 

‘Pretty good thanks Kaz, yourself?’ 

‘Yes I’m alright love, thanks.’

‘They make a good pair.’

Karen turned towards him and winked. ‘Imagine the children.’

She patted Louis’ cheek fondly then walked off into the crowd, waving and smiling at a few of the other mum’s dotted about.

When Liam had bought Louis home with him after school for the first time, Karen had cried.

Louis had been searching for the toilet when he stumbled upon Karen in the spare room, crying quietly into the phone. ‘He bought someone home, love. He bought someone home.’ Louis had stood there shocked for a moment before leaving the room as quietly as possible.

When he went back into Liam’s room, he made sure to wrap the boy in a headlock and kiss the top of his hair.

Louis chilled by the bar, ignoring everybody’s attempts, mainly his mum’s, to catch his eye and try and drag him out onto the dance floor. The whole, find a mate, do a dance, go for dinner, get married, shebang that his mother was so fond of was really really not his thing. She had Fizzy and Lottie for that. Louis was more than happy to just meander about, doing his own thing until someone came along who made him want to do _their_ thing instead.

He glanced over at Liam to see him frantically gesturing over to the entrance of the hall with his eyes. Louis frowned and turned his head to look, scanning over the crowd of entering people to find what Liam was freaking out about.

Ah, he thought. 

Harry Styles and Nicholas Grimshaw had just entered the room. Liam was obsessed with them, Louis didn’t really care about either of them.

Harry was in Louis and Liam’s year but had practically no friends his own age. Instead, he hung out with the much older Grimshaw and co who had left Rosemary High School years ago.

Styles was a notorious hippie lover and Grimshaw was a lanky punk thing with piercings and tattoos littered all over his body. There was some huge scandal surrounding the two that Louis didn’t really understand but was the best gossip for the circle of humans Louis’ parents chose to associate with.

In any case, it surprised Louis very little when Liam chose to ditch Sophia at the end of the song and come hurrying back over, his puppy eyes huge and worried.

‘Lou, have you seen who’s here?’ 

‘Was quite hard to miss Payno, with all your frantic eye movements.’

Liam flushed a little and rolled his eyes. ‘I can’t believe they showed up here.’

‘Why?’ Louis asked, lifting the glass up to his lips.

Liam’s jaw literally dropped as he stared at Louis in disbelief. Louis smirked at his expression.

‘Something on my face?’

‘Louis, how do you not know what went on with them?’

Louis shrugged. ‘Because I don’t care?' 

‘Is this because of your spat with Nick like a billion years ago?’ Liam narrowed his eyes.

‘Excuse you, I can’t even remember what that was about,’

It was a complete lie. Louis remembered exactly what it was about. Grimshaw had bumped into Louis outside the school, presumably whilst waiting for Styles, causing him to drop his coursework into a puddle.

Louis’d been fuming and rude and possibly made some comments about the ridiculous nature of Grimshaw’s tattoos and in return, Grimshaw had been cold and sarky and generally very unpleasant.

Louis knew he could be spiky when he wanted to be, but the guy had made him drop coursework he had basically slaved over. So he hadn’t thought too hard about the incident or cared enough to worry whether or not he’d hurt Grimshaw’s feelings.

And if he, rarely, occasionally, what did it matter, stalk Grimshaw’s social media accounts to see how his life was doing, then it was for only Louis to know.

‘Okay, well I don’t believe you even a little bit.’ Liam replied. ‘But basically, Grimshaw got kicked out by his parents for being gay and he’s been crashing at Harry’s place ever since. Everyone thinks they’re shagging despite the age difference.’

Louis monitored the easy affection and giggles between Harry and Nick, and nodded minutely. It did look either like an extremely touchy-feely friendship or a relationship.

‘That’s massively shit though,’ Louis said, placing his glass back on the bar. ‘About his parents.’

Coming out to Jay and Dan had in no way been painful. The brief flash across his mother’s eyes at the loss of biological grandchildren and a big, fairy-tale wedding had been a little uncomfortable, but overall, Louis had nothing to complain about.

Being kicked out was a big and scary difference, and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

‘He’s looking over here,’ Liam squeaked, spinning around to face Louis so quickly that it almost seemed like a dance move.

‘Is he?’ Louis asked lazily, peering round Liam and ignoring his squawk of ‘Lou!’

Nicholas Grimshaw was indeed looking over here. Dead at Louis in fact.

Louis held the eye contact, determined not to drop his gaze. Nick looked pretty sharp, in a badass-punk gross kind of way. After a good minute Louis raised one of his eyebrows, a dangerously sassy move that he had perfected years ago.

 A slight smirk tilted up the left corner of Nick’s mouth. He looked incredibly smug and Louis’ insides churned at the sight. And not in a good way. 

Louis straightened up and looked at Liam, tugging at his jacket. ‘He’s a dick Liam, just ignore him.’

‘Bit hard when he’s the most interesting one in the room,’ Liam muttered.

‘Oh I dunno,’ Louis replied. ‘Curly over there has definitely got a hint of ‘something’.’ 

Liam shook his head. ‘Don’t Lou. Everyone says he sleeps around.’ 

‘So it must be true then huh Liam?’

‘It’s not rumours. It’s people admitting to sleeping with him. And he’s all beautiful and artistic so then they just get pulled into that little gang because they’re in love with him and they leave all their other friends-’

‘Chill out mate, yeah?’ Louis grinned, squeezing Liam’s shoulder. ‘If you really don’t want me to, I will not sleep with Dimples. Like I’m in any way attracted to all of that hipster shit in the first place.’

Liam grinned sheepishly and prodded Louis’ stomach. ‘Shut up, you make me sound like an idiot.’

‘You are an idiot.’ Louis replied fondly, smiling when Liam just laughed instead of stuttering out apologies. 

‘Oh shit,’ Liam whispered, looking over Louis’ shoulder. Louis span round to see his mum on the floor, her fancy dress ripped up to the knee. Out of the corner of his eye he was sure he could see Nick and his little bunch of knobheads laughing. 

‘For fucks sake.’ He muttered. ‘Back in a bit.’

-

Louis shivered as he shut the taxi door, waving goodbye to Daisy and Phoebe as the car began to speed away. He stepped back onto the pavement and shoved his hand into his pockets as Dan helped his mum down the steps that led away from the Calder household.

‘She alright?’ Louis asked, reaching out a hand to steady her as she stumbled a little.

‘Too much wine,’ Dan, replied.

‘Really?’ Louis asked dryly. ‘What a surprise.’

‘Just gonna take her home I think. You staying?’

‘Yeah. Probably crash with Liam. Or just get a taxi back later.’ 

‘Don’t be too loud.’

‘Yep.’ Louis replied, saluting him. ‘Bye mum, love you.’ He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his mum’s cheek.

‘Bye Lou-Lou. Love you,’ she slurred.

The tightening in his chest came back as he watched them walk off. A quick, sharp tug of his heart. It wasn’t like seeing his mum drunk was even a shock anymore. He wanted to be used to it.

Louis turned to go back inside.

‘Oh fuck,’ he yelped. ‘Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck?’

The guy was tall with wavy dirty blonde curls. His eyes glistened in the dark. 

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I saw your mum fall, just wanted to see if she was alright? If you needed some help?’

Louis tilted his head up at the guy and shook his head. ‘Nah we’re all good. New Year’s and stuff. She was just a bit tipsy.’

The guy laughed and ran his hand through his hair. ‘Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’ll be a fair few worse off than her.’

Louis nodded. ‘Probably.’

The guy reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. ‘Want one?’ 

‘Is this because you think I’m a charity case?’ 

‘What?’

‘Feeling sorry for me because my mum made a scene?’ 

‘Absolutely not.’ The guy shook his head firmly. ‘The way these people live- it’s so toxic. Who fucking cares that she fell over, it’s not important to their lives yet it’s all they’re gonna be talking about for the next couple of days. I just know how shit it is. 

Louis considered him. The most striking thing about him was his very prominent jawline and Louis inexplicably found himself wanting to bite it.

‘I’ll have a cigarette.’ He announced and the guy chuckled, offering him the packet.

‘Of course,’ he replied. ‘Anything you want.’

Louis squinted at him, moving closer to let the guy light it up for him. ‘That was a bit of a line,’

The guy laughed, throwing his neck back. ‘Yeah maybe. True though.’

Louis took a deep drag and exhaled away from the guy’s face. ‘And why’s that?’

‘Couldn’t stop staring at you tonight.’ He replied instantly, his eyes flicking over Louis’ face. ‘You’re so chilled, the way you work the room, the way you walk. I couldn’t stop looking.’

Louis’ chest thudded a little harder and he swallowed. 

‘You a writer or some shit? A poet?’

‘An artist actually.’

‘What a surprise.' 

‘You don’t like me complimenting you?’

‘It’s not-’

‘That’s fine, I’ll stop.’ The guy said. ‘Doesn’t mean I don’t think it though.’

There was a brief pause in which Louis couldn’t stop looking at the guy’s profile. Watching the way his lips opened around the cigarette, the way he sucked. His easy confidence made Louis feel little, something he was completely unfamiliar with. 

‘I’m Louis.’

The guy turned to look at him and grinned. ‘I know.’

Louis raised his eyebrows.

‘I’m Jake.’

When they shook hands, they held on for far longer than was necessary. 

-

‘And that is why, not only can we not assume what gender Shakespeare was writing to in these sonnets, but it also really doesn’t matter. If you’re writing poetry like this, I really doubt anyone gives much of a crap who it is written to.’

Louis quickly copied down his teacher’s sentiment onto his notebook and underlined it three times. Gender doesn’t matter.

Liam was sat next to him, his head on the desk, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. Louis glanced over to his teacher still scribbling on the wall. He reached for his bottle of water and unscrewed it, tipping some water into the lid. He eyed Liam for a moment, dozing peacefully.

So still, so unaware.

Casually, Louis outstretched his left arm and dumped the water over Liam’s face, dramatically shh-ing him when he awoke with a loud shout and the teacher whipped around to see what had caused the commotion.

‘Really inappropriate Liam,’ Louis said loudly. ‘Really, really inappropriate.’

‘Sorry Miss,’ Liam said dutifully, wiping across his face with his sleeve.

Louis grinned and sat back in his chair, watching as Liam grumbled to himself and started to dry off the water splatters on his book. 

‘You’re a prat.’ Liam whispered.

‘And you, my good sir, are wet.’ Louis beamed. He slapped Liam on the back and promptly zoned out for the rest of the lesson, only packing up his stuff when Liam jabbed him in the stomach with his elbow.

‘Got any plans for tonight?’ Liam asked as they walked out of the classroom and down to where their lockers were.

‘Got that essay to write, don’t I?’ Louis replied.

Liam frowned and then swore in surprise when he opened his locker and about a billion textbooks fell out and landed on the floor. Louis rolled his eyes and bent down to help him pick them up.

‘That’s a good position for you Tomlinson,’ Greg James, resident popular-and-adored-and-admired-by-everyone student smirked playfully from down the hall. Louis glanced over his should in time to see Greg obviously dropping his eyes down to where Louis’ arse was stuck up in the air. 

‘Yeah take a good look James, that’s all you’re getting.’ 

‘Oh baby, we’ll see about that.’

Louis schooled his face into a blank expression, fighting against his jaw to smile. ‘Bite me.’

‘With pleasure,’ Greg whispered, smacking Louis’ bum as he walked past.

Louis watched him walk off. Greg was, unfortunately, good friends with Grimshaw and Styles and the like, but Louis had been paired with him in Drama once and he would be lying if he didn’t say that Greg had cracked him up. And maybe they’d flirted a little.

And maybe Louis had genuinely liked him. 

‘Really?’ Liam asked, drawing Louis’ attention back to him. ‘James?’

Louis arched his eyebrows. ‘And tell me little Leemo, what is wrong with James?’

Liam flushed a little and shrugged. ‘No, nothing Lou. Not in a really bad way. I just think it’s bizarre that you won’t give Grimshaw the time of day but you were practically drooling over James just then.’

‘Jealous?’ Louis teased, handing over the dropped textbooks.

‘Fuck off,’ Liam grinned, grabbing the books then shoving his shoulder into Louis’ to push him into the line of lockers.

‘The difference is,’ Louis answered ‘James was never an arse to me. Grimshaw on the other hand: an absolute knob.’ 

Liam made a low non-committal noise in the back of his throat. He was pushing, or tying to push, all of his textbooks back into the locker. It looked quite difficult, so Louis made a point of not helping.

He stood and examined his nails. He used to bite his nails and the skin around his nails a lot when he was younger. His mother had rushed him to the doctors when she noticed it, in her very melodramatic way and the doctor had concluded it was probably a stress reaction.

His mother’s divorce to Louis’ father hadn’t been particularly pleasant to witness.

The doctor had given them some gross nail varnish thing to paint on Louis’ nails and the skin around it as a way to help him stop.

Louis ran his thumbnail down the skin on his index finger. It was smooth and flawless now. 

‘Lou?’

He jolted at his name and looked over at Liam.

‘You coming?’ Liam asked. 

‘Yeah, course.' 

He pushed off the lockers and walked with Liam down the corridors and out of the school.

‘So why are you starting the essay now?’ Liam asked, reaching to take Louis’ coat out of his hands whilst he rummaged in his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter.

‘What?’ Louis asked, taking a cigarette out of the box and placing it in his mouth.

‘You said you had to do the essay?’ Liam replied, throwing him his coat.

‘Oh yeah. Not the one from today, the one from like three weeks ago.’

‘Louis! You haven’t done it yet?’

‘Well clearly not Payno.’

‘It was due-’

‘Like yesterday. Yes, I am aware. I’ve been busy.’

‘Doing what?’

‘Important things,’ Louis said casually. They continued walking for a few minutes in silence, out to the school car park, when Louis caught the pained expression on Liam’s face.

‘Calm down Liam. It’s fine,’ he laughed. ‘I’m gonna do it tonight and then hand it in tomorrow alright?’

Liam continued to frown, his lips pushing together in a pout. ‘This stuff isn’t a joke anymore Louis, we have to pass for university and-' 

‘Yes, dad, I hear you.’ Louis replied and rolled his eyes.

‘Wish the hell I was your dad,’ Liam said, causing Louis to grin around his cigarette. 

When they were younger they had watched Stand By Me together and in the least pathetic way possible, it had become _their_ film. The ‘wish the hell I was your dad’ was one of Liam’s favourites, and he whipped it out to shut up any of Louis’ attempts to call him daddy.

Liam also used it seriously, if Louis was going through a rough patch, or his shit head of a biological father turned up out of the blue. In Liam’s own way it meant, ‘you’re my best friend, I want to look after you, everything is going to be okay.’

‘Louis!’

Both Liam and Louis turned at the sound of his name. Louis squinted his eyes against the sun and smiled at the familiar silhouette leaning by the wall on the opposite side of the road to the school.

‘Who’s that?’ Liam asked.

Louis glanced back at him. ‘Just a friend. I’ve gotta go, I’ll message you later alright?’

‘I thought I was giving you a ride home?’

‘I can walk.’ 

‘Louis-’ 

‘Bye Payno. Love you.’

Louis absently waved goodbye to Liam as he did a little jog over to the road to where Jake was standing and smiled coyly up at him. His jawline was covered in slight stubble and Louis still wanted to bite it. He threw his cigarette to the ground as he approached, not bothering to stub it out properly.

 ‘I don’t think I told you I went to Rosemary High,’ Louis said, tilting his head as Jake grinned and pushed his hair away from his face. He was wearing a huge leather jacket, and Louis felt an urge to push himself against Jake’s body. He wanted to see how well they fit.

 He wanted to slide his hands inside Jake’s jacket and press his hands to the warm skin of Jake’s back.

‘I figured it out.’ Jake smiled. ‘Seems like you’re Rosemary High’s golden boy. You didn’t tell me that one little bird,’

Louis scrunched up his nose. ‘Excuse you, I am not little.’

‘No Louis,’ Jake said, stepping closer. ‘You’re a giant.’

 And it should have been everything Louis hated. Too condescending and cheesy and plain wrong, but there was such honesty in Jake’s eyes. He appeared to Louis like an open book. Like someone who didn’t mind you reading into them, they had nothing to hide.

‘You’re a one for the lines aren’t you?' 

‘Can’t help it. It must be the sensitive side of me.’

‘Fuck off,’ Louis laughed, sweeping his hair off his forehead.

‘Well, what’s this then?’ A new voice broke into the space between them.

Louis glanced to his right. ‘Shit.’

‘Tomlinson,’ Nick Grimshaw nodded at him. He was tipping a cigarette out of the packet, his tattooed hands swirling the box round after he placed the cigarette in his mouth. 

‘What do you want?’ Louis asked flatly.

‘I saw you the other night,’ Nick said, ignoring Louis completely. Since emerging from whatever pit of hell he’d slinked out of, he hadn’t actually taken his eyes off of Jake.  He lit his cigarette. 

‘Did you mate?’ James replied casually. He reached out for Louis and yanked him to his side, holding him tightly around the shoulders.

Nick watched the movement, his jaw tensing tightly. His eyes flickered from Jake to Louis and when they held eye contact Louis felt a shiver of heat spike in the back of his throat.

‘Yeah, I did. _Mate_.’ Nick replied. ‘Who was that kid you were with? The pretty one with blonde hair?’

Jake shrugged. ‘Just a friend.’

Louis looked up at him. He seemed calm, unafraid. Almost like this was something that happened before and Jake already knew the outcome of it.

‘Do you two know each other?’ Louis asked, still watching Jake’s face.

‘We travel in the same circles.’ Nick replied. He took a drag from his cigarette and Louis found himself glancing at the lip piercing Nick had when it moved as he puckered his lip around the filter.

‘Be careful with that one,’ Nick said to Jake, gesturing to Louis. ‘Wouldn’t want to hurt the king of Rosemary High.’

‘You’re such a fucking dickhead.’ Louis said instantly, rolling his eyes as Nick saluted and walked away. ‘What a prick.’

‘Ignore him.’ Jake said. Louis turned to face him, resting his hands against Jake’s stomach.

‘You two got some shit?’ He asked. 

Jake laughed. ‘Not really, Grimshaw’s just a twat.' 

He lifted his hand and pressed his thumb against Louis’ cheekbone, smiling down at him.

‘So. What are you doing here?’ Louis asked.

‘I’ve got a date.’

‘Oh really?’

‘Yeah. With the prettiest boy in Rosemary High.’

‘You have really got to stop with the lines. How do you know the boy wants to go out with you?’

‘Just got a feeling.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah. It’s gonna be like a fairy-tale.’

-

And it was. It was like a fairy tale.

At least for the beginning. 

-

‘Ugh, Liam, just let it go.' 

Liam just stared at him as if he was mad, his mouth slightly open. ‘Why is this not a big deal to you?’

‘Why _is_ it a big deal to you?’ Louis snapped, whirling around to face him. He was very aware that they were stood in the middle of the English corridor, and it was possible that anyone could pop up at either end and catch their little spat. ‘It’s not your family.’

‘Yes, but it’s yours?’ Liam replied. ‘Fizzy’s first ever school play, Louis. I remember you talking to me- I remember you saying how excited you were for it. And that was before she even knew what part she was getting.’

 Louis sighed and turned away. ‘There’ll be other school plays Liam.’

 ‘Will you at least tell me where you were?’ Liam asked, gently nudging Louis’ elbow. They began to walk together, heading towards the stairs.

 ‘Jake had a party.’ Louis said shortly.

He didn’t need to look at Liam to know his expression was shocked, to see his posture stiffen. ‘You missed Fizzy’s school play, for a party?’

‘Jake asked me to go okay? It would have been rude to say no.’

‘Louis, we waited for you to show up, Fizzy reserved a seat for you-’ 

‘If you could stop with this whole fucking superior attitude you’ve got going on Liam that would be great.’ Louis said, anger simmering in his chest. ‘I have always, always, put my family first. Ex-fucking-cuse me for wanting something for myself.’

He practically ran down the stairs, his hand fumbling in his pocket to phone Jake. He didn’t want to look at Liam. He didn’t want to see the confused worry in his best friend’s eyes that made him feel like, something was very very wrong.

‘Hi, it’s me. Are you busy? Can you come get me?’ Louis asked as he walked out of the school, swerving round the clumps of teenagers stood out in the courtyard.

‘Of course, little bird. Be over in ten,’

Louis shoved his phone back in his pocket and resisted the urge to turn around. It wasn’t a big deal. It really fucking wasn’t.

-

‘Just think of all the shit we could do if you dropped out,’ Jake said, lounging back on Louis’ bed, his hands tucked behind his head. 

Louis smiled to himself and pulled on some clean boxers. ‘What would we do?’

 Jake smirked and patted the bed next to him, draping his arm around Louis’ shoulders when he flopped himself down on the bed. ‘We’d fuck. And eat. And smoke. And fuck. And party. And fuck. And drink. And-’

 ‘Fuck?’ Louis filled in, lifting himself up to bite at Jake’s chin.

‘Such a clever little bird.’ Jake murmured quietly, and Louis felt his stomach flip over. ‘My clever little bird.’

-

It was four in the morning when Louis came home. He slipped in through the back door and stumbled against the clear countertop in the kitchen. He was drunk.

Blindingly so, and the harsh light of the kitchen sent a pounding ache straight to his head. He rubbed at his temples for a moment and blinked dazedly, trying to clear out his vision. He attempted to walk a few more steps and fell straight into the fridge, rattling the big thing loudly.

He grunted and leant against it- the plastic cool against his cheeks, which felt burning now he was back inside. He twisted around and sunk down to the floor, his back pressed against the fridge. His feet were aching.

Louis winced a little in pain as he undid the laces on both shoes and kicked them off his feet, watching as they clattered into the middle of the kitchen. He wiggled his toes to feel the ache, the stretch along the bridge of his foot.

It had been a long, pleasant drunken night, and if it wasn’t for the bollocking he knew he would get in the morning, Louis would have stayed on the cold tiled floor and slept. As it was, that was definitely not an option, so he crawled onto his knees and attempted to stand up, swaying and staggering as he did so.

It was when he crashed into the kitchen door for the third time that the family maid came rushing in, carefully pushing on the kitchen door, her eyes tired and wide. Viola had been with the family for as long as Louis could remember, a nanny and housemaid and cook all rolled into one.

She lived with them, in a little summer house in the garden. She’d moved in after mum had had the first set of twins and stayed with them ever since. Louis adored her, and never really felt sure if he was comfortable with the servitude that she paid his family but he was so grateful to her for her general existence, that he never really put up any kind of fight to get her to leave.

He did make sure she was paid well. As the least he could do.

‘Oh Louis.’ Viola muttered, gently shutting the door behind her. ‘I told you to ring me when you were home so I could help you in.’

She spoke in hushed tones so that she wouldn’t wake Louis’ mother. It made Louis feel even more ill. Feel even more disgusted.

‘I’m handling it fine Viola,’ he replied, feeling as the words slurred and stuck in his mouth.

‘I can see that,’ Viola said, a little wearily. Louis’ chest hurt. This was the third time this week he’d come home drunk and in the early hours of the morning, and it made him feel bad. So achingly bad, when he would wake up at three in the afternoon, walk down the stairs and see Viola hard at work in the kitchen.

Even though she couldn’t have had more than three hours sleep. 

‘My mouth is dry,’ Louis grunted, lurching off of the kitchen wall and straight into Viola’s arms. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know Lou,’ she soothed. ‘Time for bed now. You got to be up early tomorrow.’

Louis suddenly, violently wanted to throw up. ‘Gonna be sick.’

‘Deep breaths now,’ Viola’s hands tightened around his own. ‘We’ll just let you sit in the dining room for a bit.’

She guided Louis into the dining room, a heavy, dark green room full of brown wood and old antiques. It was posh and expensive and Louis felt wrong even looking at it, let alone sitting at the table with his sweaty forehead and his breath stinking of alcohol.

‘You just stay here. I’ll get you some water,’ Viola whispered before disappearing out of the room.

Louis leaned after her to say thank you, but all that came out was drunken grumble of words that didn’t make any sense. He burped, covering his mouth with his hand. As he bought his hand back down from his mouth, he caught a glimpse of the love heart Jake had drawn on the inside of his wrist in eyeliner, stolen from some girl that had been hanging off him the entire night. Louis would have been annoyed, had been annoyed, he remembered with a frown. But Jake had shrugged her off towards the end of the night and pressed Louis into the wall, covering his body with his own.

‘Little bird,’ he had breathed into Louis’ ear. ‘Have I told you how completely beautiful you look tonight?’

And then from then on all Louis could remember was kissing and groping and weed and cigarettes. All in one jumbled haze.

The dining room smelt strongly of pine and polish. The sideboard of a huge cabinet was decorated with picture of the Tomlinson family- Louis and his mother in most of the pictures. There was none of Louis and his dad, and he tiredly tried to remember if that was because they’d never had a picture taken together, or if when his father had left his mum had thrown them all away. He seemed to remember a bonfire and felt that the second option was a lot more likely.

When Viola returned, she held the glass up to Louis’ lips and poured some water down his throat, taking the glass away before Louis could try to gulp it.

‘Nu-uh, you gulp this water and you’ll throw up Louis, you know that.’ Viola reprimanded carefully. She pressed two tablets of paracetamol into Louis’ open hand. ‘You take these two now. It’ll help with the headache.’

‘I’m going to be sick.’ Louis groaned, swaying a little on the chair. He couldn’t get the room to stop moving.

‘No, you’re not. At least not in this room- even you aren’t that brave. Take the tablets now.’

It took Viola a good fifteen minutes to convince Louis to leave the table and let her help him up to his room.

‘Viola you’re the best.’ Louis mumbled as he got into bed, trying to keep his eyes focused on the maid stood at the end of his bed.

‘Thank you Louis.’

‘I’ll put more money into your account.’

‘That’s not necessary-’

‘Want to. Not like I don’t have enough anyway.’

‘Go to sleep now, I’ll see you tomorrow, for the party. Okay?’

‘Yeah. See you tomorrow Viola.’

Viola turned off the light, and Louis’ head instantly calmed a little at the lack of light.

‘Make sure you cover up that hickey before coming downstairs Louis. Your mother won’t be happy otherwise.’ Viola murmured just before she clicked the door closed.

‘Mother can fuck off.’ Louis replied quietly and fell into a dream where every door opened to a room of broken crockery, and Louis, try as he might, just couldn’t get out.

-

When he awoke the next morning, his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth and his stomach rolled so heavily he was completely sure he was going to vomit all over his bed. He blinked hazily at the knocking on the door.

‘Yeah?’ He grumbled.

‘Oh God, Lou, it fucking stinks in here.’ Lottie said in disgust as she sauntered into his room. She picked her way through the mess of clothes on the floor and dragged the curtains open.

‘Urgh fuck off,’ Louis groaned, dragging the duvet quilt up over his head. He was not in the mood.

He heard the distinct click of Lottie opening his windows and scowled.

‘Get up. Mum’ll kill you if you’re not here when the guests arrive.’

He popped his head out of the duvet and turned to look at her. ‘Guests for what?’

‘The party. Her special autumn thing.’

‘Fucking hell.’

‘Yes. So. Get up. Or she’ll actually murder you.’

It took Louis a good two more hours to actually get out of bed, have a piss and stand slumped in the shower. His phone was playing some weird chill playlist he’d found on Spotify and he leant his head against the shower wall to try and soothe the aching in his temples.

He reached absentmindedly for his shower gel before curling his hand back, and looking dumbly at the selection of soap on the side. Jake didn’t like his shower gel; Louis loved the smell of mango but Jake said it made him feel like he was fucking a fruit. He blinked at Lottie’s sea mist soap wash thing, and squeezed some onto his hands.

‘Louis, you in there?’

‘Yes mum.’

‘The guests are going to be here in an hour!’

‘Okay mum.’

‘I’m expecting you to be there-’

‘Yes, I hear you, I got it.’ Louis shouted, slumping back against the wall and rubbing at his head. His mum grumbled something from behind the door and Louis rolled his eyes. It was so easy to find her irritating recently, and whilst he’d always managed to keep his temper in check before, it was becoming more and more difficult.

Jake was always there for him though. Replying almost instantly to Louis’ bitching about his mother.

At first he had been wary of Jake’s dislike of his mother, the weird kind of insistence he had that she wasn’t treating Louis right- that she wasn’t doing her job as a mother right. But the good thing about it was that Jake was always there to listen. He would instantly reply to any of Louis’ bitchy texts about his mother, reassuring him that he was in the right and that his mother was letting him down, his mother wasn’t good enough.

His mother, and the messed up, self-superior society she had inflicted herself and her children upon, were to blame.

-

He stayed at the party for two hours before his phone buzzed with a text from Jake asking him if he wanted to go and get high with them.

So he slipped some money out of his mum’s purse and into his pocket and disappeared out the back door.

As he was walking down the garden to the gate, Liam caught his eye from the kitchen window where he had been getting some wine out of the fridge. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Louis walked away and didn’t look back.

-

‘Christ, Lou, what the fuck are those on your wrist?’

‘Leave it out Liam.’

‘Seriously? Louis, has he been hurting you?’

‘I said leave it out. Fuck sakes. Not everyone has a vanilla, boring sex life. Stop bitching at me for actually being adventurous in bed.’

-

That was the last proper conversation that Louis had with Liam for the next three months. It was a weird thing, and somewhere deep in Louis’ heart, there was a definite crack, a deep pooling ache where Liam’s absence was.

Around the edges of those cracks though, was Jake. With such pretty words and loving touches and it a felt a lot like he was drowning.

But that was alright. That was fucking brilliant actually, because that’s what all the romance novels and films and songs said it felt like. Like being consumed with absolutely no way or desire to get out.

He was sat in the library, sneaking looks out of the corner of his eye at Grimshaw and Styles that were lounging in the corner. Styles was reading, or attempting to, and Grimshaw was stretched out on his chair, tugging at the plugs in his ears and generally being an annoying prat.

Louis resolutely didn’t look up at him when Grimshaw walked out of the library, shaking out a fag from his box of cigarettes.

His phone blared into life on the table, the vibrations loud in the relatively quiet study room. He picked it up quickly.

‘Hello?’ He said quietly.

‘Louis?’

‘Jake?’

‘Where the fuck are you?’

Louis blinked and glanced around. He, Styles and a few younger girls were the only ones in the room.

‘At the library. Why?’ He answered.

‘I’ve been waiting around for fucking ages for you.’

Louis’ heart beat just a little bit faster. ‘What?’

‘Are you deaf? I’ve been waiting for at least half an hour now.’

Louis looked over at the clock on the wall. ‘What are you talking about? We agreed to meet at half three.’

‘Uh, no, we didn’t. We said half two. I’ve been waiting for ages. Zayn had to fucking leave because you took so long, and you know how much I wanted you to meet him. Seriously Louis, what the fuck?’

‘Jake, we said we were meeting at half two.’

‘Literally whatever. If you can’t even be arsed to apologise to me, I don’t want to hear it.’

He hung up the phone. Louis stared dumbly at the other side of the wall. The paint was cracked and peeling at the top. His throat felt tight and he squeezed his fingers around his phone.

They hadn’t said half two? They’d said half three and Louis knew that because it meant he had two hours at the library before he would have to set off to meet him. He _knew_ that.

He scoffed and looked back down at his textbook. Jake was a prick.

He tried to continue reading but it didn’t work, the words swam in front of his eyes and he could feel his chest squeezing tighter and tighter.

What if they had said half two? And Louis had fucked it and blown off not only Jake but his best friend Zayn, who he’d been wanting Louis to meet for ages.

He started to pack up his things, shoving his books into his bag in an almost frantic manner. The chair clattered to the floor as he pushed it away in his haste to stand up.

Louis stormed out of the room, his bag hitting the backs of his legs when he pushed open the exit to the library.

‘Woah, fuck me,’

Louis glanced up at Grimshaw, wincing as his shoulder smacked into his chest. He stumbled and fell backwards a little, clutching back onto Grimshaw’s arm as he yanked him back upright.

‘You okay?’ Grimshaw asked, a crinkle appearing between his eyebrows as he frowned.

‘Yeah.’ Louis replied. ‘Gotta go,’

‘Want a cigarette? You look stressed.’

‘I don’t accept things from strangers,’ Louis said as he walked away, almost jogging to try and get home.

Ten minutes later, he arrived at his house, sweating and worried and almost close to tears. Jake was sat on his front door step, dicking about on his phone when Louis arrived.

‘Jake,’ Louis breathed out. ‘I-’

Jake stood up and pulled him into a hug. ‘It’s okay, I know.’

Louis breathed into his chest.

‘I know you didn’t mean to baby. It was just an accident. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.’ He murmured and pressed a kiss to the top of Louis’ head.

Louis felt as his shoulders sagged, his entire body relaxing into Jake’s embrace.

‘I was just upset because I really wanted you to meet Zayn.’ Jake continued, pulling away so he could look at Louis’ face. ‘It was important to me.’

Louis blinked back sudden tears at the disappointment in Jake’s face. He didn’t normally get that kind of shit wrong, and he’d been so sure they’d said half three.

‘Baby, it’s okay.’ Jake said quietly, tilting Louis’ chin up. He leant down and brushed his lips against Louis’. ‘It’s okay.’

Louis shivered and snaked his arms around Jake’s back, hiding his face in his neck. He wasn’t going to do that again.

-

‘We’re just making the point Louis, that you are missing, more and more of school. We want to check that everything’s okay?’

Louis sighed and leaned back in the chair. ‘Everything’s fine.’

Ms Atkins, the deputy head of Sixth Form raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Really?’

‘Really.’

She took her glasses off her face and rubbed at her temples briefly. ‘So why have you been missing classes? Because trust me, Louis, I get a lot of teachers talking to me about you, but the complaints of you _not_ attending lessons, are not a normality.’

Louis shrugged. The posters on the walls of Talk2Frank and Childline peered back at him. His head was pounding a little, an ache all along his jawline. Jake had taken him to a house party last night and he hadn’t gotten in until four. He was hungover as fuck and listening to someone having a go at him really wasn’t on his agenda.

He’d tried a synthetic weed last night. _I’ll look after you little bird, it’s gonna make you feel so good, like you’re flying away…_

‘Co-operate with me Louis please. Otherwise I’ll have no choice but to tell your mum.’

‘I don’t know what you want me to say miss.’ Louis replied. He flicked his fringe out of his face. ‘Everything’s fine.’

‘Are you struggling with the lessons?’

‘No.’

‘No?’

‘No.’

‘So then what’s your excuse for not showing up?’

‘Dunno.’ Louis said carelessly. ‘Just boring innit.’

Ms Atkins stared at him blankly. ‘Just boring?’

‘Yep.’

She watched him resignedly for a moment. ‘Okay, well, I’m going to have to send a letter home I’m afraid. And I’m revoking your privilege to leave the school grounds during your free periods. If your attendance improves, then you can regain that privilege, don’t roll your at eyes at me please Louis. Do you understand?’

‘Yeah,’ Louis muttered. He stared down at his shoes.

‘Okay,’ she sighed. ‘You may leave.’

When Louis slammed out of her office, Liam was leaning against the wall, bag in his hand and his cheeks tinged pink. Louis stared at him for a moment before anger simmered deep in his stomach.

‘What do you want?

‘Mum said I had to give this to you.’ Liam replied unsteadily, thrusting an envelope towards Louis. Louis stared at him before taking it.

‘Whatever,’ he replied and walked away. He didn’t say, I miss you. He didn’t say, my head feels really kind of lost at the moment and I don’t know why and I know you probably hate me now but I really miss you and need you to tell me I’m going to be okay.

-

The club was really fucking loud and Louis was getting really fucking good at pretending that he liked it. There were bodies everywhere, moving to music that Louis didn’t really listen to but was becoming more familiar with. He tilted his head up and blinked at the lights. Green, red and blue all burning. All spinning and flashing and loud.

‘But you have a safe word right?’

Louis turned back to the girl he was talking to. She was almost inhumanely pretty.

‘Sorry?’

‘You and your boyfriend have a safe word?’

‘I don’t know what that means.’ Louis admitted. He recognised the word but in his drunken state it was hard to grasp the full meaning of it. She frowned and leaned forward on the slightly sticky booth they were sat in.

‘It’s like the word you can say when you want to stop. So that those-‘ She gestured to the marks on his neck. ‘Don’t happen unless you’re fully comfortable with it.’

‘I am fully comfortable with it.’ Louis replied immediately.

She cocked her head at him and took a sip from her drink. ‘I’m not sure you are love.’

‘What was your name?’ He asked.

‘Perrie.’

‘You don’t know me.’ Louis replied. ‘You don’t know me or him. We’re good. We’re so good.’

She shrugged and leaned backwards but Louis didn’t miss that her eyes were sad. He felt an abrupt need to leave, to curl up in the warmth of Jake’s body and stay there. Where he was safe and loved and understood.

He got up to leave, making it round the table and just onto the dance floor when he felt a tug on his wrist. He glanced back around and Perrie had shuffled closer to him, leaning up to speak to him.

‘I work at the HMV in town,’ she said loudly, the noise vibrating right inside Louis’ ear. ‘You can stop by like, if you ever need anything.’

He nodded at her and swallowed down any words of thanks. ‘I won’t.’

He stumbled through the crowds of people, untangling himself from wandering hands and ignoring eye contact with everyone. He found Jake stood by the bar, talking animatedly with a few guys.

‘I’m ready to go.’ He said, standing on his tiptoes to speak, his nose brushing Jake’s cheek.

Jake shook his head. ‘I wanna stay.’

Louis’ heart started pounding, the tightening in his chest rapidly increasing. He plastered on a grin. ‘Babe. Let’s go home and fuck, I really wanna fuck.’

‘Not now.’

Louis twisted his hands into the material of his shirt, trying to remember how to breathe out of his nose. It was difficult. He could feel the eyes of the other men burning into the side of his face. He’d recently developed a technique for learning how not to cry. The back of his throat would start to hurt after a while from the compulsive swallowing, but he could handle it.

He had to handle it.

‘Jake, babe, can we please go?’

The minute he asked the question Jake moved quickly, slipping his hand into Louis’ hair and tightening his fingers into a fist. The action instinctively made Louis tip his head back a little, watching as Jake came closer.

‘You’re gonna be good for me aren’t you?’

He pressed a dry kiss to Louis’ lips

‘Be good for me little bird.’

Louis shivered and nodded. They stayed at the club for another four hours. Jake made sure he was touching him constantly. A hand across the back of his neck, his fingers against Louis’s wrists. His lips open against Louis’s neck.

When they got back home, James pressed him up against the door and pushed into him without any prep.

‘I’ve needed you all night little bird. God, you make me so hard…’

His room was cold and Louis could feel the ghost of his kisses across the back of his neck.

‘I love you,’ he whispered when Jake came.

He thudded back against the door as Jake spun him around and slowly wanked him off, keeping his lips pressed heavily against Louis’ own.

-

Louis’ thumb hovered over Liam’s name in his phone, his eyes watering as he stared down at the name. One click and he could just talk to him again. Talk to someone again other than Jake, and Jake’s weird friend Mike.

Jake’s bathroom door rattled and Louis jolted on the toilet seat. The door was shaky and old; the whole flat was old, and Louis was very aware that if Jake did want to actually get in, it wouldn’t take a lot for him to get the door down. The lock was feeble at best.

‘He’s not actually upset is he?’ He distantly heard Mike ask.

‘Nah he’ll be fine. Looks better like this anyway.’ Jake replied instantly. Louis heard him burp. He could just imagine him, strolling topless around his dingy living room, some stubble scattered along his jawline.

Louis blinked and tears dripped down his cheek.

‘Cool. Let’s go get more booze man, before the shops shut.’ Mike said.

The two of them ambled about for a minute and Louis held his breath the entire time. When they finally left, he exhaled a sob and then didn’t stop. He was crying, huge, unstoppable tears that felt like they’d been ripped straight from his throat.

His chest was so tight that he pressed his hand there to see if there was actually a knot constricting around his lungs. For a good while he sat on the cold toilet seat in a ratty old top of Jake’s and his boxers.

There was mould along the bathtub. They’d cut his hair whilst he’d slept.

He knew it was probably Jake that had convinced Mike into it. That he’d just done it for a laugh, that it wasn’t actually a big deal. It was just hair after all- it didn’t actually mean anything in the grand scheme of things and Louis was definitely being stupid.

When he felt like he had the energy to stand, he moved over to the sink and looked in the mirror, unable to stop himself from shaking a little at what he saw. They’d cut it short. The sides were a bit clumpy, some bits of hair obviously longer than the other. His feathered fringe had been ruined, the layers more exaggerated.

It wasn’t the worse thing he’d ever seen, probably not the worst he’d ever looked either, but they’d _cut his hair_.

He’d woken up to Mike’s hands in his hair and Jake’s grinning face in front of his, whispering how he was being so good, always Jake’s good little bird.

The grin had disappeared from his face when Louis had started crying.

‘It’s not that big a deal Lou. Just a bit of banter. Christ, when’d you get so boring?’

Mike had left the room at that point, a cigarette between his lips.

‘I just wished you’d asked.’ Louis didn’t know when he had decided to whisper, but his voice was little more than a breath, so much so that Jake had leaned forward to hear him better.

‘I honestly didn’t think you’d care babe.’ Jake had sighed. He turned away. ‘Whatever. Sorry if it made you sad or whatever,’

Louis had crawled forward on the bed and slid his arms around Jake’s stomach, pressing kisses along the length of Jake’s shoulders. He had been biting down on his tongue and tasting the blood, looking at the single freckle on Jake’s back and wondering why he wasn’t sure whether his hands were even his hands anymore.

Whether the freckle on Jake’s back had somehow taken everything he was and made it different. Made it unrecognisable, even to Louis himself.

‘It’s okay. I don’t really mind.’ Louis had mumbled, releasing his tongue from his teeth when Jake patted the top of his thigh and replied ‘Good lad.’

Louis glanced down at his phone again and looked at Liam’s number. He still pretty much knew it off by heart, just from ringing him so often. He couldn’t really even properly remember the last time he and Liam had spoke.

Louis knew that Liam had tried calling when Louis had dropped out of college. Had learned from his mum that Liam had even messaged her on Facebook to check that Louis was okay. That he wasn’t in trouble.

Louis had ignored all of his messages but Louis’ mum had replied, thanking Liam for his concern and telling him that Louis was looking at apprenticeships in various different offices, that he was just taking a bit of time to think about what he actually wanted to do with his life.

She’d parroted off what Louis himself had told her casually over lunch. Louis remembered the odd moment when he’d looked over at his mum and had wanted her to refuse what he was suggesting. To force him to come back home with her, force him to have a curfew, force him to continue with college.

For one startling second, he’d wanted her to force him to leave Jake.

But she hadn’t and Louis’ lies had been played out by her to every family member and friend that they knew. She’d told people she was proud of him for trying to find new opportunities for himself. That academia wasn’t for everyone.

Louis couldn’t really remember how long ago that had been. Or how long it had actually been since he’d spoken to her properly. He couldn’t remember at what point she’d just stopped trying to call.

Couple of months maybe? Time at Jake’s was like one long horizon of drinking, fucking and sometimes drugs and the days were slipping out of Louis’ grasp.

His fingers were getting stiffer, less able to clutch at time and use it for whatever he wanted.

He ran a hand through his hair and stared at himself. Louis. Little bird Louis.

He was doing okay.

-

‘What is it?’

‘E.’

‘Jake-’

‘Little bird.’

‘I’m not sure that I-’

‘It’ll make you fly. You like it, don’t you? When you fly? Fly right away.’

Louis pressed the pill to his tongue and swallowed.

-

‘Louis! Louis! Oi, little bird!’

Louis turned around quickly and stumbled right into the bar, blinking heavily at the bartender. He was watching him carefully.

‘You alright mate?’

‘You’re Irish.’ Louis replied instantly, standing up a little straighter. The music was great tonight. Everything was great tonight. He’d never felt more connected to sound before. Like the noise was pumping straight into him, running through the veins off Louis’ body before floating right back out again.

The bartender laughed loudly, throwing his head back. ‘I’m Niall. You forgot this,’

He pushed a napkin across the bar top and Louis glanced down to see it was the little doodle of the giraffe he’d done a couple of hours earlier when he’d been sat in a booth with Jake and Mike.

‘Why would I want this?’ Louis asked. Niall shrugged.

‘It’s nice.’ He said.

Louis smirked and pushed it back. ‘Thanks but I’m alright.’

Niall picked it up. ‘Mind if I keep it then?’

‘Go for it,’ Louis nodded. He swayed for a few minutes by the bar, distracted by the flashing lights that reflected in the floor length mirrors behind the bar. He watched his reflection for a minute.

‘Hey, Louis.’

Louis snapped his head back to Niall. He frowned at him. ‘Wait, how do you know my name again?’

‘You’re with Jake aren’t you?’ He asked, leaning forward a bit over the bar so that Louis could hear him. It was quietening down in the pub Louis realised, as he glanced around. It must be almost closing time.

‘I’m his-’ Louis didn’t know why the word boyfriend jammed in his mouth and refused to come out. Why it felt wrong to classify himself that way, when that _was_ what he was to Jake.

They were boyfriends.

‘Boy.’ Louis finished and Niall nodded. He looked cautious.

‘Just, be careful alright?’

Louis bristled. ‘What the fuck’s that meant to mean?’

Niall raised his hands immediately. ‘Hey, I didn’t mean any offense. I know Jake and his lot okay? I’m just saying look after yourself.’

Louis’s heart pumped. He shook his head briefly. ‘I am looking after myself.’

‘You’re high.’ The bartender countered.

‘So?’ He burst out, startled to find himself close to tears. ‘Same as everyone else in this fucking club.’

‘Mate, I’m not trying to have a go.’ The bartender said gently. ‘You just never know what they’re putting in Ecstasy- there’s a lot of shit in those pills Jake hands out.’

Louis sniffed and pressed the edges of his palms to his eyes. ‘You’re not my mother.’

The bartender snorted. ‘Someone should be.’

Louis dropped his hands and stared at him, a spike of sadness piercing his chest at the exchange.

_‘You’re not my dad, Liam, shut up.’_

_‘Wish the hell I was your dad.’_

He pressed his hand to his stomach, feeling unbearably nauseous all of a sudden. He looked over at Niall, watching as his lips moved, his face twisted in concern. But Louis couldn’t hear a word he was saying. Couldn’t really hear any of it.

_Wish the hell I was your dad._

Louis walked unsteadily from the bar, letting the various people still lingering in the club push past him, push him into other people, push him into the wall. He staggered from place to place, trying desperately to find the way out in the mix of lights and sounds that had suddenly got so so loud.

He clattered straight into someone’s chest, almost falling to the feet when they grabbed his waist and yanked him upright.

‘Smooth,’

Louis looked up at the stranger briefly and nodded his thanks.

‘Louis?’

He blinked up at the man, trying to find his features. It wasn’t really working. All Louis could see where the lights in the club. All he could feel was the throbbing of the music.

‘Shit, you really are fucked aren’t you?’

Cool hands grabbed at his wrists and began to pull him forward, gently tugging him away when Louis felt Jake press in against his back, biting at Louis’ ear.

‘I’ve got him Grimshaw.’

‘Have you? Have you really? Look at the state of him, Jesus.’

‘Why don’t you just fuck off yeah?’

Louis felt himself whimper at Jake’s tone. The hands on his wrist stroked softly at his skin, rubbing small soothing circles just underneath his thumb.

‘I said I’ve fucking got him alright.’ Jake said, yanking Louis around. The hands were forced to let his wrists go.

Louis just wanted to dance.

‘Let’s go little bird,’ Jake whispered against his ear. ‘You’re doing so good. Don’t ruin it now.’

-

Louis had to go to A and E the next day for a pain in his knee. It turned out he’d torn a ligament.

The nurse gently but firmly commented on how MDMA meant that you could very easily damage your muscles, or seriously hurt yourself, because the high of the drug would stop you from feeling any pain that you’d caused yourself.

How it would probably be best to stay away from any recreational drugs for a while, particularly if he was taking them to the point that he could injure himself this badly and not notice.

Jake had laughed at that and pressed some more tablets in his hand, telling him that he should have told the nurse to go fuck herself.

Louis had to walk with crutches for 6 weeks.

When he got back to the flat, struggling with the door and his crutches at the same time Jake had called him a fucking idiot and left him alone in the flat for four of the six weeks. On the fifth week he came home.

And he bought Zayn with him.

-

‘Alright babes?’ Zayn asked. Louis nodded and sat down on the step outside their block of flats, wincing a tiny bit as he bent his knee. It was raining and misty and Louis didn’t feel real at all.

Zayn was gorgeous in a way that meant it hurt to look at him some days. He had beautiful brown skin that was constantly smooth, and golden brown hair that seemed styled even when he’d only just waken up. His big eyes were on just the right side of too large, and his teeth were perfect. He was perfect. Louis felt like a fool around him most of the time. And Zayn had this incessant habit of always smiling at Louis, always always talking to him as he threw his arms around Jake’s neck or stroked his hand down his arm.

 

‘Don’t talk much do you.’ Zayn said. It was more of a statement than a question so Louis didn’t bother replying. Instead he rolled his cigarette on his knee, trying not shiver at the cold.

‘You’re really fucking fit.’ Zayn said bluntly when Louis lit up. Louis eyed him warily and exhaled straight into his face.

‘Sorry what?’

‘You’re really fucking fit. Especially with this whole ‘I-hate-you’ vibe you’ve been giving me.’

‘I don’t hate you.’ Louis replied quietly.

‘No?’

‘Nah.’

They sat in silence and smoked for a while.

And that was how their relationship worked. Louis ignored how Jake looked at Zayn and how Zayn looked at him and kept doing what he was doing.

He liked dancing with Zayn at clubs, mainly because he was basically the only person Jake was okay with him dancing with. And Zayn didn’t hold back either. He’d roll his hips filthily into Louis’s, press his open lips to Louis’s neck. Sometimes he’d even suck a tiny mark there.

Occasionally his hands wandered down to Louis’ arse, groping and squeezing and pulling them ever closer.

The only reason Zayn hadn’t tried to stick his hands in Louis’ jeans was because Louis would raise an eyebrow at him every time he’d try. Zayn would laugh and back off a little, run his fingers through Louis’ hair and drunkenly slur in his ear ‘Like you little bird. Like you a lot.’

But Zayn was perpetually drunk, or high, so Louis didn’t really listen. Particularly not when Zayn would bring back at least one stranger with him to fuck on Jake’s couch after every night out.

Zayn was kind of easy as well. The swell and crash of Jake’s moods could be kind of difficult to live with sometimes, not that Louis minded really, because Jake was perfect and great and provided such a good life for Louis, but sometimes it was nice to slip out of the door to smoke and find Zayn already on the steps, a sleepy smile gracing his lips.

It was nice to not be so alone anymore.

-

‘I’m just saying,’ Jake said, sloshing beer down the side of his hand. ‘Zayn is without doubt the fucking fittest person I’ve ever seen in my life. Like, fuck me. I mean, little bird’s like pretty alright but he’s got that stomach you know? Those thighs. Look at Zayn- basically perfection.’

Louis briefly glanced over to where Zayn was sat on the sofa, smirking at Jake’s comment.

He was completely beautiful, it was true.

A couple of minutes later, Zayn plopped down in the seat next to him, slinging his arm around Louis’ side. Louis, briefly, thought about pushing him away. Pushing him down to the ground and then punching him in the face.

The thought made him shiver a little in fear. He glanced over at Jake, wondering if he would have been able to read what Louis was thinking in his face. If he was going to call Louis out on it- force him to own up to Zayn, to Mike, to all the other random people who were sat here in Jake’s living room.

But he was talking to some pretty, green haired girl, hands lingering on her arm as he talked to her.

‘I still think you’re the fittest.’ Zayn murmured, his lips brushing the top of Louis’ ear.

He didn’t know why that made him want to cry. He didn’t know why that was all he really wanted to do anymore.

-

‘You gonna go home for Christmas babe?’ Zayn asked him.

‘Nah, he’s gonna stay with me, aren’t you little bird?’

-

‘Happy birthday sweetheart.’ Jake said, separating the white powder with a debit card.

-

The coffee shop was warm inside, a sort of stifling warm, and Louis wasn’t sure he could bear it. Warmth felt like a wrong sensation, too thick and inescapable. Cold was, cold was better. Jake kept the flat freezing cold and Louis had come to love it. Feel alive in the bitter air.

He joined the queue silently, and picked at the skin around his nails, Jake’s leather jacket falling past his wrists. His nails were all gross, bloody and peeling skin.

Jake wanted a large latte, he reminded herself. He didn’t say he wanted anything else, just a large latte. Louis hadn’t forgotten anything, surely he couldn’t have forgotten anything else. He conjured up the image of Jake this morning, his face pressed into the pillow _‘a large latte, babe, go now for me yeah?’_ Had he said anything else? No. No, he definitely hadn’t, because he’d rolled away from him when he’d leant in for a kiss, and then he’d left straight after and he remembered pausing right outside the door, just for a few moments before he left to see if Jake would say anything else. And he hadn’t. So, a large latte and nothing else.

He slipped his right hand into his jacket and felt around the rubbish and lighters and cigarettes for the change. Yep, it was all there. He was fine, just a large latte and nothing else.

‘Louis?’

He stiffened. They probably didn’t mean him. He kept his head down and tugged at a bit of skin, watching as it was peeled off by his nail and blood swelled in its wake. He pressed his finger to his tongue, the tang of iron bitter in his mouth.

He hadn’t actually heard his name in ages. It was always babe and love and sweetheart and little bird with Jake.. Sometimes he used them to remind Louis when he was being an idiot- _babe, didn’t I tell you not to come home early today?_

Always keeping him safe, giving him ways to know where he stood. Little bird was his favourite. It made Louis feel small and secure and like Jake loved him.

‘Louis.’

He flinched at the pressure on his elbow and tilted his head to the left, his eyes widening at who he saw. Liam was staring at him wide eyed and shocked.

‘Oh,’ Louis said quietly, a small smile pressing on his lips. It had been a long, long time. ‘Hey. Hi.’

‘Louis.’ Liam said again, shaking his head. Louis swallowed anxiously and pulled Jake’s jacket further around him. It smelt like him and that gave Louis comfort. That made him feel better.

‘Hi.’ He repeated, not quite sure what else it was Liam wanted to hear. The queue shuffled forwards a bit and Louis turned back to move forward with it.

‘Louis?’ He heard again and frowned this time. Jake used to say that if someone was repeating themselves it meant they had nothing important to say.

Like, if Louis asked him a question and Jake gave him an answer, why should he ask the question again? It was pointless and just because Louis hadn’t liked the answer didn’t mean that he should bore him or anyone, with his repetition. Louis had never thought Liam was boring before.

So Louis didn’t really understand why Liam was still staring at him like he was a ghost. And repeating his name, like he couldn’t even think of anything else to say.

‘Are you, um, are you okay?’ Louis asked timidly, shuffling a bit from side to side. His eyes caught on the clock on the wall and he almost winced at the time. God, the queue was long. 

‘Louis, how. What did… what is going on?’ Liam asked, his eyes huge now and a massive frown plastered on his face. Louis swallowed. He hoped Liam wouldn’t start yelling. Louis always cried whenever he was yelled at.

‘Um. I don’t, I’m just getting coffee? Well a latte. A large latte.’ Louis replied quietly, huffing out a laugh as he spoke.

‘But you? I haven’t seen you in so long.’ Liam blustered. He looked really good. His hair had grown a little, and was styled into a faux hawk thing. He was wearing a stylish black jacket that Louis vaguely remembered him talking about wanting. Jesus, that had been ages ago.

‘Oh, I’m sorry. Just had a lot on, I guess.’ Louis looked back up at the clock. ‘I just need to get this coffee.’

He turned towards the desk and stumbled out his order, repeating it three times, just to make sure that he got it right. He’d rather be repetitious and boring than have them get Jake’s order wrong. He handed over the money and avoided eye contact with the male barista that handed over his drink. Jake’s drink. You never knew with guys, the bad ones were normally dressed just as normally and smiled just as nicely as the good ones. Jake had told him that.

He was about to head for the door when a hand landed on his shoulder.

‘Louis?’ Liam was there again, but this time his voice cracked on Louis’s name. Liam’s eyes were filled with tears.

‘Um, hey. Hi, again.’ He whispered, suddenly feeling a bit scared.

‘Will you come and sit with me for a bit?’ Liam asked and Louis’s stomach curled in fear.

‘Oh, uh, why?’ He asked, laughing again just to cover the silence.

‘Why?’ Liam whispered, and he was crying properly now.

‘Liam, you’re crying.’ Louis said, moving to the side so that people could swerve around him. ‘You shouldn’t, uh, you don’t want to make a scene mate yeah?’

‘Louis, please. What’s happened?’ Liam asked. His cheeks were turning pink, along with the tip of his nose and Louis felt a sadness in his chest. It ached.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Look at yourself,’ Liam gestured towards the mirror and Louis caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection. He looked a bit tired, he supposed, and his clothes may not be the most stylish and clean he’d ever worn, but he was only getting coffee, if Jake wanted to go out later he would obviously change. He looked thinner, which was good. Not that Jake wanted that from him, he loved him exactly as he was, and would never ask him to change.

But they’d been at a party two days ago, and Louis’d caught him talking to some other girl who had been a lot thinner than Louis was. Louis had seen how Jake had pushed his hand against this girl’s hipbone, stroking his thumb over the skin. Louis thought the girl looked good as well.

He’d loose just enough so that Jake could feel his hipbone properly as well. He reckoned Jake would be really proud of him. But Liam’s words spiked worry in him and he turned to him.

‘I don’t look good?’

Liam’s face crumpled. ‘Louis-’

‘What is it? Is it the clothes? Because, don’t worry about that. I didn’t really get time to dress properly but I will when I get back. I would never dream of letting Jake see me like this, not that he’d mind of course, but I sort of mind, I guess. So don’t worry, I’m not a total idiot, I know I don’t look brilliant right now.’

‘Louis. What about your hair?’

Louis glanced back at the mirror. His hair looked fine, good even. He frowned. This was what Jake had been telling him about the other day. Sometimes boys and girls, when they get jealous, pick up on other things about other boys that look good and then say it looks bad, just to be spiteful.

Jake had kissed his forehead and then behind his ear and told him to be careful of them. Then he’d whispered that Louis would look even better bleach blonde and, he did.

So Louis dyed it blonde and smiled when Jake smiled.

Jake told him blonde hair made him look really good, and he’d kiss his neck, and Louis really liked it as well. He thought it looked really good. He sorted of wanted to tell Liam all of that, but he wondered if maybe Liam would keep probing, keep on talking to him as if Louis was an insect to be dissected.

‘It, I like it.’ He stumbled his words out, hating how they lodged in his throat. It happened all the time now, when he’d try to talk or explain things, his words would get caught. Sometimes, he’d even cry. It was so stupid. ‘I really have to go now.’

‘Will you come back?’ Liam asked, begged. ‘I haven’t seen you in so long, Lou, and-’

Louis jolted. Lou. He hadn’t been called Lou in so so long. Lou wasn’t him anymore. He was a little bird. Little bird Louis. Lou could have disappeared for all he was worth.

‘I really have to go. Good seeing you.’ He smiled and walked straight for the door, clutching the latte in her hand. A large latte, nothing else.

When he got back to Jake’s flat, he found Zayn sat perched in the living room, with only his underwear on. Louis swallowed his disappointment. He’d sort of wanted to spend some time with Jake alone this morning. And Zayn hadn’t been round their flat in a couple of days, so Louis just assumed he’d gone for a bit. 

‘Hey babes,’ Zayn grinned at him, his brown hair falling over the back of the sofa as he tilted his head back to look at Louis.

‘Hi, Zayn.’ Louis said quietly.

Louis walked straight into the bedroom where Jake was sat up in bed, idly scratching at his bare chest with a cigarette placed in his mouth. 

‘About fucking time, Jesus,’ he said around the cigarette, taking the coffee out of Louis’ hands. Louis slid into bed next to him and smiled, breathing in the smell of smoke and sweat.

‘Missed you,’ Louis mumbled, moving closer to press his face into Jake’s shoulder. 

‘Yeah,’ Jake replied and Louis heard everything he wasn’t saying and grinned. Louis would get up in a few minutes and fix his clothes. Maybe he should try some of that waxy stuff Zayn owns to try and style his hair? Maybe that was what Liam had been talking about.

He hummed quietly to himself, in a few minutes he’d do it. He was so, so happy.

-

He was in Tesco picking up some cigarettes when his phone rang.

‘Hi babe,’ he said quietly. Nobody rang him except Jake anymore.

‘Louis, it’s Zayn.’

‘Oh, hi. You alright mate?’

‘Look Louis, shit’s kicked off. Where are you?’

‘In Tesco?’ 

‘You can’t go back to the flat.’

‘What? Why?’

‘Jake’s been arrested.’

Louis’s stomach caved in. He wanted to be sick. He wanted to run away. He wanted to find Jake and have him hold him and kiss him and tell him it was all going to be okay.

He stumbled out of the queue and shop door, pressing himself to the stone wall outside. ‘What?’ 

‘They caught him with tabs. They’re probably gonna charge him with intent to supply. He didn’t come home last night did he?’

‘No.’ Louis replied. It wasn’t too out of the ordinary. Jake would sometimes spend weeks at a time out of the flat. 

‘Don’t go back to the flat okay? They could do you too. 

‘I don’t-’ Louis wasn’t sure he could breathe. He didn’t know how to help. He didn’t fucking know how to _live_ without Jake.

Jake was the love of his fucking life, his whole universe. Shit, what if it had somehow been Louis’ fault? What if Louis had been the one to fuck up? Maybe he accidentally put the pills in Jake’s pocket? Maybe Jake told him to take them out of his pocket?

He was going to be so fucking angry and it was all going to be Louis’ fault. 

‘I’ve gotta go babes. I’m sorry, I’m trying to sort all this shit out and I figured no one would have let you know. He used his one phone call to ring me. I’ll talk to you later alright? You’ve got my number.’

And then he hung up, leaving Louis slumped against the wall.

It wasn’t like Louis had any idea what to do now. Where to go from here. So he stood up straight and began to walk. 

He spent the day in a daze, stepping in and out of pubs, drinking slowly until the clubs started opening. He bummed cigarettes off of people who knew his face, thanking them quietly. He felt sick, wandering these places, Jake’s place, without him. He felt like he couldn’t even talk to the people that said hi to him, couldn’t force himself to smile at Jake’s friends like nothing was wrong when everything was fucking wrong.

When he’d been left by the one person who could love him, and look after him properly.

He grabbed Danny in one the clubs and forced him to come outside with him. Danny was one of Jake’s high school friends, and he eyed Louis worriedly. ‘Where’s your man?’

‘Off. Out.’ Louis replied distantly. ‘I’ll get Jake to pay you back.’

Danny nodded. ‘I’ve got to see him in a couple of days to pick up some coke. He can pay me back then alright?’

‘Yeah, of course.’

Danny pressed some pills into his palm, offering him a small smile before he disappeared into the crowd, manoeuvring himself back into the club.

Louis didn’t stop moving. Once he was done in one place he moved onto the next, not paying attention to the looks people gave him.

He couldn’t stop crying. Even holding his breath didn’t work. He dug his nails tightly into his palms, opening his fists only to close them tightly again feeling the sharp jolt of pain every time he did so.  

At some point he checked his phone, exhaling shakily to see it was three in the morning.

So he sat down, with the cold seeping into his jeans and his knuckles scuffed from punching a random wall a few streets back, with absolutely no idea, no fucking clue, of what to do now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have an excuse? I mean, no. I have reasons. But I'm really sorry, here is chapter two, it's only short, but it's meant to be kind of a link between chapter one and three, which are both long and plotty. So. Again. I apologise. 
> 
> Please, please, read the warnings and let me know if I've missed anything out: Self harm, drug abuse, mentions of emotional and physical abuse, angry sex, withdrawal symptoms, nervous ticking.

It had started to absolutely chuck it down and water droplets ran down the back of Louis’ top, trickling into the top of his jeans. He felt crap and lonely and scared. _Fly away little bird, fly away._

If he knew how, if he could fly without Jake, he would. He would do it right now. But he didn’t know how. He wasn’t sure he even knew how to breathe without Jake there next to him.

He banged on the door three more times with a clenched fist and tried not to violently gag at the combined smell of weed, booze and vomit that hung heavy in the air. He was coming down from the E, a thick heavy sadness slowly seeping into his bones. The comedowns were the worst. He stared blankly at the door for a few seconds. There was no coming back from it, he knew. This was the end of it all.

A spark of frustration, and-for the first time in forever- a genuine sense of anger coiled in his chest and he slammed both of his hands into the door, grunting at the impact.

‘Alright, Jesus, fuck…’

The door swung open and Louis let out a heavy breath. His chest hurt, his hands hurt and it felt like there was poison running through his veins and maybe, this person could finally help to bleed it out of him.

‘Zayn.’ Louis said calmly, firmly. Like it was an order.

Zayn was holding onto the door as though it was some kind of lifeline. He looked hungover and tired and still unbearably gorgeous.

‘Shit Louis. I didn’t think you’d come.’ Zayn stuttered out.

‘Let me in.’ Louis said. ‘I have nowhere else to go.’

‘Of course, babes, shit. Of course,’ He stood back and let Louis pass him, closing the door behind him. Louis stood in Zayn’s cluttered hallway and tried to breathe.

_Breathe little bird, drink it all in._

‘We need to get drunk and then high.’ Louis said mildly, shrugging off his jacket and dropping it carelessly on the floor.

Zayn’s apartment was everything you would expect it to be, cluttered and messy, beer bottles and vodka bottles strewn around, an ashtray pile high with half smoked cigarettes and spliffs.

It was destruction at it’s very finest. And yet, somehow, it was still classy, still contained, still unspoilt. A lot like Zayn himself.

‘Yeah sure,’ Zayn hurried to say, moving past Louis to the steps that led to the attic. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. It made Louis so unfathomably angry.

‘Adam!’ Zayn bellowed up the stairs, his eyes flicking back to Louis every few seconds.

‘What?’ A voice called back.

‘Need a favour.’

‘Urgh, what?’

‘Get the fuck out.’

‘What?’

‘Seriously. Fuck off.’

‘Zayn, you wank.’ Adam yelled back, the shuffling noises ensured. A few minutes later, a pretty black boy sauntered down the stairs, with his shoes in one hand his shirt buttoned wrong.

‘Dickhead,’ he snarled at Zayn, who rolled his eyes.

‘Yeah whatever.’ Zayn muttered, shoving the door closed behind him. He ran a hand through his sleek brown hair and the movement caused Louis to watch his chest, his eyes tracing along the exposed jut of his hip.

He clenched his hands into fists.

‘Soooo,’ Zayn drawled.

‘Have sex with me.’ Louis cut him off.

Zayn’s eyes widened and he looked, for the first time since Louis had met him, genuinely surprised.

‘What? Babe-’

‘I’m not your babe. Get drunk with me, get high with me, have sex with me.’

‘Louis, I’m not sure-’

‘What?’ Louis asked, moving closer. He felt like his insides were breaking, all shattering down to the pit of his stomach. ‘You were always asking for it before. Always prodding. Always fucking flirting.’

Louis planted a kiss on the side of Zayn’s neck.

‘I didn’t mean-’

‘And fucking Jake. Weren’t you hm?’ Louis kept his voice low and calm. He trailed kisses all the way across Zayn’s neck, his hands skimming down the smooth skin of his back. ‘Whenever I wasn’t there. Sometimes even when I was. Probably had sex with him more than I did.’

Louis sucked wet kisses into Zayn’s collarbone and pushed him back against the wall. He wondered why the realisation had hit him now. Why he was able to see it all so clearly. Zayn and Jake had been fucking and not only had he known, but he’d let Zayn stay in their flat. Live with them. Treated him like he would treat a friend.

His head hurt and his heart ached. Everything had got so tangled and wrong. Everything in Louis’ life was just so so wrong.

‘But he never, _never_ , treated you the way he treated me.’

‘I wasn’t in love with him.’ Zayn shuddered out, making no attempt to move away from Louis.

‘He still fucked you though,’ Louis retorted. ‘Always wanted you.’

His hands yanked down Zayn’s underwear and cupped his arse, pulling him closer to Louis’ body.

‘I always wanted _you_ ,’ Zayn murmured, tucking his fingers underneath Louis’ chin to tilt it upwards. His words were drenched in a sick kind of sincerity and it made Louis want to vomit. Louis pressed against Zayn hard and finally kissed him, too harsh to be romantic. He pulled away quickly, keeping his distance close so that he lips still brushed Zayn’s as he breathed.

‘Didn’t try to make me leave him though did you?’

Zayn stared back at him. ‘You wouldn’t have left him Lou.’

‘ _Don’t_ call me that.’

‘You wouldn’t have.’ Zayn said simply. ‘ Even if I had told you what we were doing. I don’t think you would have even cared.’

Louis abruptly let go of him. He moved back until he could slump against the wall, sliding down to the ground.

‘I thought you liked it.’ Zayn whispered.

Louis stared up at him. He was crying. Jesus fucking Christ. How pathetic. ‘How the fuck, how the _fuck_ , could you think I liked it?’

‘It was our own messed up world,’ Zayn said softly, sitting down on the floor opposite. ‘It was messy and cracked and fucked up. So, so fucked up. I thought that was something you wanted. To be fucked up.’

Louis blinked down at the floor. ‘I hate you.’

Zayn stared blankly at him, a flicker of shock in his eyes the only acknowledgment of what Louis had said.

Louis’ voice shook as he spoke. ‘I fucking fucking hate you. He has ruined me. And you let him. And when he tried to fucking ruin you, the same fucking way, you just glided on out of it.’

‘You want me to apologise?’

‘I don’t want fuck all from you. Prick.’

Zayn watched him quietly then stood up, rummaging in one of his cupboards. Louis didn’t bother trying to wipe the tears off his cheeks. There didn’t seem to be any point. He looked at the carpet and ran his fingers gently over it.

He’d spoken to Jake once about carpet. What kind of carpet they’d want if they ever moved into their own house. Jake had wanted no carpet, wanted wooden or tiled floor. Louis hated having cold feet but for some reason, Jake’s suggestion seemed so much better.

It still seemed so much better.

‘I fucking hate carpet,’ he whispered.

A couple of minutes later, Zayn pressed his hand to Louis’ shoulder, then to his cheek, smearing away tears.

‘Stand up.’ He said.

Louis followed him into the kitchen. He didn’t feel at all surprised to see the two lines of white powder lined up on the kitchen table. In all truth, he didn’t feel much of anything.

‘You done this before?’ Zayn asked gently.

‘No.’

‘I’ll show you.’

‘I don’t think I want to.’ Louis said.

Zayn shrugged. ‘That’s cool. I’m not pressuring you. I just know how much you like to fly away-’

_Fly away little bird, just glide with it._

‘-And this can make you soar.’

Louis blinked out tears, sniffing loudly in the quiet of the house. ‘Okay.’

Zayn talked him through it, sat him down in the chair as the coke took effect, whizzing through Louis’ head, through his body and his arms, through his mouth, right down into his toes.

‘Let’s fly away,’ Louis whispered into Zayn’s mouth, pushing him down onto the sofa and pressing their crotches together.

‘I can’t ruin you like he does.’

‘I don’t need you to. I can do it fine by myself.’

-

No one told Louis that cocaine only lasts for about twenty to thirty minutes and that for a couple of days afterwards he didn’t feel like he could move from Zayn’s couch. Didn’t feel like he even knew how to breathe.

-

Louis spent his days alternating between staring at the wall, taking drugs, sucking Zayn’s dick and sleeping. He thought about his family a lot. He thought about Liam even more. He thought about everything, over and over again, ripping it all into pieces and analysing every single memory he had.

He wanted to know where he had fucked up. The one moment, the one instance, in his pathetic life where he had let it all go to shit so badly. People, a lot of them teachers, had informed Louis that he would waste his life.

That the opportunities given to him by his family, his social standing, were being wasted. That Louis wasn’t and wouldn’t ever be good enough. And Louis had laughed at them. Pulled another cigarette out of his pocket and gotten an A* star on the next paper he’d had to hand in.

Now though, he understood it now.

Because right down, right in the middle of him, he was useless. Louis’s core was nothingness, and if you had a middle that was empty and a mind that was pathetic, you weren’t ever going to get anywhere.

Louis wasn’t ever going to get anywhere.

Sometimes he went back to the clubs that Jake would take him to. When he was there, people said things like-

‘It’s Jake’s boy.’

‘God, have you seen how fucking rough he looks?’

‘Jake used to fuck him up bad. And I mean, like, really bad.’

‘Christ, Jake better get out of prison soon. The kid’s gonna keel over and die without him.’

Louis sometimes listened and sometimes didn’t.

Once he’d been stumbling through the crowd, letting people tug and grab at his clothes. Let them press their bodies up against his back, let bigger men with cruel hands lay their open lips on his neck and bite down.

He’d been walking, to the bar, to the exit, to the toilet, it didn’t really matter when a soft hand had grabbed the bare skin of his forearm and squeezed. He looked behind him to see a girl with gentle blonde curls peer at him.

‘What?’ Louis always sounded like he was crying recently. Always.

‘Louis?’

He looked closely at her face. ‘Yeah?’

‘I’m Perrie.’ She smiled gently, moving closer. Louis took a step back and she stopped suddenly, carefully removing her fingers from around his wrist. ‘Do you remember me?’

He didn’t remember anything anymore. He was drunk and sad and had forgotten how to fly.

‘We spoke once. A while ago.’ She said, her voice loud. The music was throbbing, pulsing in his ears and body.

‘Okay.’ He shrugged and made to leave. He walked a couple of paces when she appeared in front of him, causing him to stumble backwards, the cold sensation of someone’s split drink trickling down his back.

‘Sorry,’ she said.

‘What do you want?’ He asked. He was tired. He wanted to go home. He wanted Jake.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Are you?’

He watched the way her eyes flickered over face, no doubt taking in his greasy hair and thin form. His disgusting body that seemed to have shrunk under the weight of Jake’s arrest.

‘How do you expect me to answer that?’ He asked. ‘I’m leaving.’

She rushed forward again and grabbed at his hand. Louis looked down at her, his vision blurring slightly.

‘Please don’t do this,’ he whispered.

She stared at him with such pity that Louis wanted to punch himself in the face, claw at the skin of his arms, scream out everything so that he wasn’t the one that she was looking at like that. So that he could become something angry and distant. A fire she wouldn’t dare touch.

‘I still work at HMV,’ she said, over enunciating her words so that he could follow them over the loud music. He nodded at her and shrugged, letting the empty glass of whiskey he had been holding drop to the floor.

‘That means nothing to me.’ He replied. Then he turned and left.

-

‘Here.’

Louis turned at the voice and flicked his eyes up to meet Zayn’s, ignoring the offered cigarette in his hand.

‘What are you doing here?’ He asked. Zayn shrugged, looking round the park. It was well into the early hours of the morning. He looked down in disgust at the bird shit covered swing, and opted to lean against the metal railing instead. Louis felt very very tired.

‘Figured you wouldn’t come home..’

‘Well congratulations, you were right. Now fuck off.’ Louis twisted away from him and stared at the opening of the park, willing someone to appear. Liam, Jake, his mum, anyone.

He was so angry all the time. So angry and tired and empty. Like someone had tipped him upside down and emptied him of everything he had and was.

‘Lou-’

‘What?’ He asked, looking up at him. ‘Come here to check I hadn’t killed myself? Come here to give me another fucking lecture? What? Come here to see if we could fuck-’

‘Stop it Louis.’

Zayn grabbed his shoulder, sliding his hand down and opening his clenched fist. Zayn tucked a cigarette into his fingers and then bought Louis’ hand up to his mouth, ignoring his scowl. He pulled the little red lighter he always carried out of his back pocket and held the flame at the end of the smoke, watching as Louis inhaled.

They stood in silence; the pair of them, watching as night fell down on the Earth.

‘You high?’ Zayn asked suddenly.

‘Yeah.’

‘From who?’

‘Danny.’

Zayn paused. There was nothing left to say.

‘It’s going to be okay Louis.’

‘How? How do you know that?’ Louis twisted the cigarette between his fingers, ignoring the small flecks of ash that filtered onto his fingers at the action.

‘Because I’ve always known.’ He replied simply. Louis blinked away the water gathering the bottom of his eyes and then, in one fluid motion, threw the still burning cigarette away from him.

‘Take me home.’ It was a quiet command, and Zayn nodded, pulling at his hand to walk him back to his shitty flat.

-

Louis walked into the tattoo parlour on a Monday and it was raining. Zayn stood at his elbow, his fingertips pressed gently into his arm. It was grey outside, like fucking always, and Louis’ head was pounding from the night before.

He couldn’t get his hands to stop shaking and he didn’t know whether it was from the coke, from Jake or maybe, simply, from the weather. He’d like to imagine that he wasn’t so broken that the weather didn’t affect him anymore, but he also felt like he could stand barefoot in snow and feel exactly the same.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t unused to numbness.

‘You sure you wanna do this bro?’ Zayn asked quietly. Quietly, gently, softly. Louis couldn’t remember the last time someone had screamed at him. Someone had treated him like he wasn’t fragile and about to break.

And even though he knew it was true, he was fragile and was always one step away from tumbling off a cliff he would never be able to climb, but he thought that this softness Zayn treated him just made it worse. Just gently eased him more and more away from reality.

‘Yeah,’ Louis sniffed, wiping his nose with his sleeve. Zayn eyed him curiously.

‘You’re not still high?’

‘No, Zayn. Fuck sake.’

Zayn shrugged. ‘Okay. I’ll be outside.’

The tattoo artist, her name was Debbie, walked out to meet him. She took him into a side room that was so clean and white Louis had to blink a few times to get his eyes to focus. There was a small flat screen television playing on mute in the corner. Louis wished they were playing music instead.

Debbie got him settled, double checking he was okay with the size, the design, the length of time it would take. She said ‘Because it’s your first tell me if you think you’re gonna throw up. It’s more common than you would think.’

He just nodded. He knew a little bit about pain that was sudden and lasting. He was pretty sure he could handle it.

About fifteen minutes in, Louis had felt his eyes glaze and his brain focus on nothing except the needle. On the pain. A sharp, stinging pain that felt like such a relief in comparison to ache that seemed to swim casually through his veins, checking in with his heart and stomach every now and then. Just to make sure that Louis didn’t forget he was heartbroken.

To make sure Louis didn’t forget he was broken in general.

‘So, why a bird?’ Debbie asked after a while, straightening up in her chair, not taking her eyes off the half formed image along Louis’s forearm.

Louis shrugged. ‘Just a fat bird, innit. No particular reason.’

‘Fair enough,’ Debbie grinned and got back to it.

Louis wondered what Jake would have thought about it. He probably would have hated it. Laughed at him, called him a ridiculous little shit. Ask him why he wanted more emphasis on how skinny his arms were.

Louis smiled. Jake wouldn’t have minded it if he was the one that got to carve it into Louis’s skin.

Debbie looked up at him and smiled back, a soft thing. She had a similar smile to his mum. Louis wanted to throw up. Louis wanted a cigarette. Louis wanted to burn everything down and watch as it rebuilt around him.

‘I like to fly away,’ he said suddenly, letting his head thunk back against the leather chair.

‘Yeah?’ Debbie asked distractedly.

‘Yeah.’

-

Zayn made him watch Notting Hill, The Notebook and P.S. I Love You, all in that order. Louis let him, sat still against the lumpy sofa and watched the pictures blur in front of his eyes. He didn’t think of anything and when his brain began to try to work, kick itself into gear, Louis had another cigarette. Or another joint.

Zayn had stopped bringing hard drugs round. Louis hated him a little bit for it.

It was as the credits for P.S. I Love You were playing and Zayn was getting up to take the disk out the DVD player that Louis spoke.

‘It’s not a break up you know?’

Zayn turned to look at him, sliding another cigarette out of it’s packet and placing it behind his ear.

‘What is it then Lou?’

‘A death.’

‘He’s not dead,’ Zayn said. ‘He’ll be out soon.’

‘Not his death,’ Louis replied. ‘Mine.’

-

It wasn't not raining when Louis got to Rosemary high but the air felt kind of damp, and the clouds were so grey that Louis briefly wondered whether there was any point in leaving and getting inside before it started to piss it down. Always fucking constantly raining. He couldn't escape it.

The school looked bigger somehow, than Louis remembered. The brick walls felt so much larger and broader than he had envisioned. He smiled bitterly; there used to be a point in his life, and it wasn’t even that long ago, when he thought that feeling little was security.

It was protection and safety and everything else wonderful. Jake’s little bird, and that was all that ever mattered. He could be little and fragile and stupid and too breakable, but he was _Jake’s_.

And somehow, for him, that was enough.

Now being little felt terrifying. The building itself was intimidating and Louis thanked God that he was here during the middle of a school day so he wasn't not faced with the swarm of teenagers and teachers. He stood by the gate, his fingers wrapped tightly around the iron bars. There was a part of him, a really little irrational part, that felt like he might just fly away if he let go.

The wind would pick him up and drag him off and that would be it. No more Louis.

He let go of the bars and waited. And then waited another ten minutes. And then called himself a fucking idiot and felt in his pocket for his, Zayn’s, cigarettes, thinking already about how he could convince Zayn to buy something tonight. Something to take his mind off of everything.

He turned to walk away and there they were.

The two of them stopped in their tracks, like Louis was some kind of God, and he swore that Styles’ mouth even fell open a little bit. Louis wanted to cry. He doesn’t. Just swallowed it down and smiled bitterly.

He couldn't remember the last time he showered.

‘Oh, Godddd. It’s Rosemary High’s golden boy.’ Nick drawled, but the words were almost kind. A slight smile at the edges of his lips.

 

Louis stared at Nick Grimshaw, completely incapable of doing anything else. Of everything, everything, that he was expecting to come from Grimshaw’s mouth that was not fucking it and now, he felt open. Bleeding and gaping and completely open and vulnerable.

 

The words were out of his mouth before he even had time to register that he was starting this. That he was gonna fall headfirst into it.

 

‘I think I’m a drug addict.’

 

Nick and Harry stood in stunned silence and it made him want to rip his hair out and then peel his skin off afterwards. Hand them over as proof that Louis was no longer Louis, hewas something different, something wrecked and they should run.

 

Nick laughed, a short, broken kind of thing.

 

‘That’s normally something you’re pretty sure about kid.’

 

‘I’m a drug addict.’

 

There was that silence again.

 

‘Well.’ Nick said, clapping his hands together. ‘I can tell this is gonna be the start of a beautiful friendship.’

 

Styles was just staring at him, beautiful eyes wide open like Louis was some kind of fucking alien.

 

‘How?’ Styles asked, stepping towards Louis, frowning a little when Louis stepped back in return.

 

‘What do you mean how?’ He snapped.

 

‘I just… I mean, it’s like…’

 

Louis stared at him, eyebrows raised. It took the kid fifty bloody years to get out a single sentence. His skin itched. He wanted to do something. Wanted to rip or break something. Preferably himself. Instead, he just flexed his hands and cracked his knuckles, clasping his hands together in front of him.

 

‘You’re Louis.’ Styles finished speaking, shrugging his shoulders and glancing over to Nick. ‘Lou, Liam called you sometimes.’

 

Louis felt as though he’d been physically hit, so much so that he felt his body sway backwards a little bit.

 

_Lou, Liam called you sometimes._

_Lou, Liam called you._

_Lou._

‘Fuck, fuck,’ Louis stuttered around, his hands shaking violently. He turned around to walk away, he had to walk away. Had to fly away. He was only a little bird, a small, pathetic little bird. Lou was gone. Disappeared to never come back.

 

He needed something now, something to get rid of it all. A drug or drink, Zayn biting into the back of his neck. He needed all of it, now, now, now.

 

A hand gripped his shoulder, to wrench him back and Louis yelled, a raw, broken kind of noise that only meant one thing.

 

Jake was here. Jake was back. Jake was going to hurt the fuck out of him.

 

-

 

When Louis opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was that he was in the back of some big fuck off truck, with tears and snot running down his face and his hands clenched so tightly into fists he wasn’t sure how to unlock them.

 

The second thing was that one of his fists was being gripped firmly, but gently, by one of Nick Grimshaw’s own.

 

The third thing he noticed, and properly noticed, was that he was being touched _gently_. Nick’s hand was gripping his and he could feel the pressure, the touch of each of Nick’s fingers against his own, but it didn’t hurt him. He didn’t feel like Nick was abruptly about to tighten his grip or dig his nails into Louis’ flesh.

 

He was just holding his hand.

 

‘I mean, it’s been almost half an hour. I googled it and it said that we should take him to the hospital, but then Nick started freaking out about Louis freaking out, and now… he’s in the back of the car.’ Styles said suddenly.

 

Louis blinked tiredly, trying to keep Styles’ face in focus. He felt both like he would never be able to walk again and that there was a strong fucking possibility of him throwing up any minute now.

 

‘Oh so you’re back with us now?’

 

Louis let his head flop back against the headrest of the car, narrowing his eyes at Grimshaw’s grinning face.

 

‘Gave us a right scare there. Hazza almost shit his pants at least three times trying to get you in the car.’

 

‘Keep you on your toes,’ Louis slurred back. His hands felt so stiff. His neck and back felt clenched, like he was consciously keeping them tensed even though he felt more slumped than ever before.

 

Fuck he wanted some drugs.

 

‘Congratulations love, job achieved.’ Nick replied dryly.

 

‘Prick.’ Louis whispered.

 

He was exhausted. He was tired. He wanted to sleep. So he did.

 

-

 

‘Harry got you a coke.’

 

Louis looked up at Nick’s lanky figure, as he shifted a bit awkwardly in front of the sofa Louis was sat on. He didn’t say anything in reply, just continued staring at the floor.

 

‘You should drink it,’ Nick continued, sinking down into the sofa in such an elegant way that Louis sort of wanted to punch him in the face. Nick wasn’t fat, not even broad, but he still made Louis feel tiny. And that wasn’t a feeling he wanted anymore.

 

He didn’t make him safe. He made him feel on edge.

 

‘Got sugar and all kinds of good things like that, hmm?’

 

The can appeared under his nose, open and ready, and Louis wanted to fucking cry. He knocked the can out of Nick’s hand, watching as it splattered against the snow white carpet of Liam’s living room.

 

‘Fuck,’ he sobbed, watching the brown splodge spread. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck,’

 

He leaned forward, bracing his elbows onto his knees, twisting his fingers into his hair.

 

‘Louis,’ he heard Nick say distantly. Far off and feeble, like some kind of dream. He felt it build at the base of his neck, distinct, fierce and unstoppable. Like there was an alien in him, a vicious monster building speed and force.

 

It travelled all the way up the side of his neck, snapping his head back and locking his jaw.

 

‘The fuck?’ He gasped as it happened again. And again. And again.

 

His chest was twisted, working itself into knots and tangles and he couldn’t fucking breathe. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t control his neck.

 

‘The fuck is happening?’

 

He was going to die. Surely. He was going to die.

 

‘Louis it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re just ticking. Don’t worry. It’s okay,’

 

‘Louis, listen to me, control your breathing yeah? In and out darling, in and out.’

 

‘Get Liam.’

 

And then the whole world went quiet.

 

‘Lou? It’s alright Lou. I’m here.’

 

That was when he screamed. He began sobbing, rocking back and forth and it felt a little bit like he wasn’t even there. He was gone, tucked safe away in the back of his mind whilst it all boiled out of him. Boiled out of his skin and his ears, along his veins, settled into his bones.

 

He had caused a ruin.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ Louis whispered. The only words he knew. The only thing he knew. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’

 

-

 

‘It’s just a panic attack Harold, please calm down.’

 

‘This isn’t a joke Grimmy.’

 

‘I know sweetheart, and I’m not laughing. But you freaking out will probably make him freak out. So take deep breaths.’

 

‘Why isn’t he responding?’

 

‘He’s just a bit zoned out, I think. The paramedics will be here in a second. You’re doing good Liam. Hang in there.’

 

-

 

When Louis blinked his eyes open, his back was to the wall of Liam’s living room and a middle aged woman, paired with a smiling male Asian paramedic were crouched in front of him.

 

‘That’s really good, Louis, just keep breathing like that.’

 

Louis felt so out of it. He sluggishly looked down at the plaster on his arm and then back up to the woman.

 

‘Just a mild tranquiliser. Just to calm you down okay? You’re alright.’

 

Louis frowned slowly and turned his head to the left. Liam was stood by the door leading into the kitchen, his shoulder leant against the big cabinet his mum loved. The picture was there. The picture that Karen had taken of Louis and Liam on their last holiday, the two of them grinning right out of the frame.

 

‘Now, Louis, come on, keep that breathing nice and steady. In and out, like we practised.’

 

He hadn’t taken it down or thrown it away. Liam hadn’t thrown him away.

 

‘Louis, it’s okay, you’re doing okay, just keep breathing for me love.’

 

Louis was a drug addict and Liam was his best friend and Jake was in prison and Louis wanted to be so high that he could just fly away, just up out of the window and fly far away.

 

It all seemed to disappear after that.

 

-

 

It had taken him four hours to calm down, and now he felt so exhausted that he didn’t even fight it when Liam slowly picked him up bridal style to carry him up to the bath. Liam hummed and put something in that smelled soft and gentle and filled the tub with bubbles.

 

‘Are you gonna whack out some fucking candles next?’ Louis asked. The words were meant to come out vicious but they just sounded sad. Weary. He wasn’t sure he would even recognise it on tape.

 

‘If you want,’ Liam said softly, looking at him with big eyes. Louis shook his head. He didn’t want. He didn’t want softness, he didn’t want anything nice or calm. He just wouldn’t to break everything. Break himself open and then smash the little pieces into shards.

 

‘Okay. No candles.’ Liam said. He didn’t say anything more, just stood Louis up against the wall, bracketing him in and slowly undressing him. It felt like it took forever, Liam’s hands were so soft against him, too soft. Louis wanted him to scratch, felt as though he was just waiting for it.

 

‘It’s okay Lou,’

 

‘It’s not. You don’t need to fucking baby me.’

 

Liam pulled away a little to look Louis directly in the eye, concern and something that looked a lot like anger hidden in the corner of his mouth.

 

He moved in slowly and pressed his foreheads to Louis’, grabbing both sides of his neck. ‘Wish the hell I was your dad.’

 

It felt as though his heart stopped. Then started up double time.

 

‘Liam. Don’t.’

 

Liam shook his head. ‘Wish the hell I was your dad.’

 

‘Don’t. Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t….’

 

He couldn’t stop saying it, not even when Liam left him shaking against the wall to quickly strip himself down to his boxers and direct Louis into the bath, gently holding him in place before sitting behind him, pulling him back to his chest.

 

Louis couldn’t stop saying words. But he didn’t even know what those words were. He just kept talking, over and over again. Liam didn’t say anything. Didn’t try to hug him or wash him, just held him close.

 

He started to doze. Only vaguely aware of Liam helping him out of the tub, drying him off and dressing him in pajamas that felt too comfortable on his skin. He placed Louis in his bed, reminding him there was a glass of water on the bedside table.

 

It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. He woke blearily, what felt like a few minutes later, to hear Liam talking softly on the phone outside the room.

 

‘He needs to stay with us mum. I know, I know. He’s in a bad way. No, he’s still Lou. Still Louis. Something’s just very wrong.’

 

Louis let himself fall asleep- he didn’t want to hear anymore after that.

 

-

 

‘You’re here.’

 

Nick raised an eyebrow, and swung his car keys round his fingers. ‘Yes.’

 

Louis didn’t let go of the door handle. Felt like he didn’t know how. ‘Why?’

 

‘Thought I’d pop round. See how you were.’

 

‘Why?’

 

‘Is that the only word you know?’ Nick looked at him. It was a firm gaze. He didn’t seem tentative about holding Louis’ gaze for too long.

 

Louis shook his head. He took a step forward and started to shut the door. ‘Liam’s not here.’

 

‘Yes I know. He’s with Harry.’ Nick replied as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

‘So…’

 

‘So… I didn’t come here to see Liam.’

 

Louis stared at him. His head felt sore. Nick was going to get the surprise of his lifetime if he thought Louis was going to be able to come up with some kind of banter right now; he had zero brain cells to work with.

 

‘Why are you here?’

 

Nick shifted his feet, leaning his weight onto one side. He reminded Louis a bit of a panther. Sort of sleek but also dopey.

 

‘Came to check you on you,’ Nick said awkwardly, fiddling with his lip piercing. It was an instinct for Louis to shut the door, slammed it in Nick’s face and bolted upstairs.

 

He was only half way up them when Nick started banging on the door.

 

He quickly grabbed a slightly damp towel Liam had used this morning and dragged it into the bathroom with him, wrapping himself in it. He slid into the bathtub, blinking out heavy tears.

 

-

 

He must have fallen asleep because when he slowly blinked awake, he had cramp in his foot and was sweating so badly that the towel felt even more damp than it did before. Louis tried to open his mouth but his jaw was tensed so tightly it felt like he might be about to break all the teeth in the back of his mouth.

 

He wanted to shout for Liam, wanted to cry for his mum. But he couldn’t do any of that, because he wasn’t even capable of opening his fucking mouth.

 

He began to shake, uncontrollable, racking shakes that made his head jerk back so strongly that he banged his hand on the back of the tub, bring on an almost unbearable headache.

 

‘Deserve it little bird,’ he grit out. ‘Deserve it.’

 

-

 

For the next three days Louis didn’t get out of bed. Just lay in Liam’s spare bed, shaking and sweating. When he slept he dreamed of Jake’s hands on his body and it scared him so much he vomited, all on his pillows. He washed the sick out of his hair at three in the morning and cried, wrapping his arms around his stomach as a way of trying to hold himself together.

 

Liam tried to talk to him about it; throwing words at him like ‘withdrawal’ and ‘abuse’ and ‘addiction’ and Louis refused to hear any of it.

 

He wasn’t meant for this life, is the thing, and he felt like he’d never been more aware of it. Aware of how broken he was.

Every evening Liam would strut into his room and place a can of Diet Coke on the bedside table. ‘From Nick.’ He’d say.

 

Louis tried not to look forward to it. Tried not to hope.

 

On the third day, he threw the can at the wall and sobbed when it didn’t explode. He couldn’t even cause the right kind of destruction.

 

On the fourth day he tried to kill himself. But he didn’t manage it, vomming the pills up almost as soon as he’d swallowed them. ‘Why?’ He croaked, lying on his side in the bathroom. ‘What could I possibly need to stick around for?’

 

-

 

‘Oh my love,’ Nick said softly from the door, but Louis didn't make any effort to look up at him. The blood was seeping into the carpet, he could feel it rolling off the sides of his arms. Funny how such seemingly little gashes could cause such an enormous amount of blood.

 

‘You hear me Louis? Just nod your head if you can,’ Nick said, stroking his hair out of his face. Louis blinked dazedly and nodded. ‘Good lad. I’m just gonna clear you up now, alright?’

 

Louis watched as Nick took his jacket off, flinging it towards the bed and disappearing out of the room, returning moments later with a mug of water and lot’s of tissue.

 

‘Let’s clear you up then.’ Nick said, sitting down, a little awkwardly. He dunked the tissue in the water, squeezing away excess liquid. Then carefully, so carefully, he gently began to swipe along Louis’ left arm. Louis couldn't remember when he actually cut himself, but it couldn't have been that long ago as the blood was clearing away relatively easily. Apart from the small congealed bits where the cuts were more narrow.

 

Louis noticed the dragon tattoo Nick had along his arm, the head of it curled into the crook of his elbow. Without thinking, he stretched out a shaking hand and ran a fingertip down the dragon’s head, feeling a flash of warmth zing down that same hand.

 

‘That’s Erasmus.’ Nick replied, not looking up from Louis’ arm.

 

‘That’s a stupid name.’

 

Nick flicked some water at him from the mug, a hint of a smile curling the edges of his mouth. ‘Don’t be rude.’

 

‘It is.’

 

‘Hey I’m being your bloody nurse here, at least be nice about my decorations.’

 

A smile tugged at Louis’ cracked lips and he looked away, letting his head rest against the wall. A few minutes passed before Nick announced that he was going to look for plasters.

‘No, please don’t.’ Louis said suddenly, able to hear the panic thick in his own voice.

 

Nick arched an eyebrow and lowered himself back down to the ground.

 

‘You don’t want a plaster?’

 

Louis shook his head, a tad desperately. ‘No.’

 

‘Why?’

 

‘I just don’t.’

 

‘Okay.’ Nick said. Louis glanced sharply at him.

 

‘Really?’

 

‘Really what?’

 

‘You’re just gonna give up,’ Louis clarified.

 

‘Yeah.’ Nick shrugged. ‘Your choice. Been through enough shit without having to argue with anyone about what happens to your body I reckon.’

 

‘You’re weird.’ Louis said quietly. Nick grinned and pushed his hair away from his face.

 

They sat silently for a minute. Louis watched as Nick poured the rest of the mug water on the blood stained carpet. He didn't bother trying to scrub it up with the remaining tissue paper. Louis couldn't find the energy to worry about it.

 

‘Will you do me a favour?’

 

‘I will try.’ Nick replied.

 

‘Will you take me for a smoke?’

 

-

 

It was a mild day. Or maybe Louis just couldn’t feel anything at all anymore. He wiggled his bare feet on the concrete. Nick lit up a cigarette then passed him the box and light, humming a Beyonce song to himself.

 

‘How did you get in?’ Louis mumbled around the cigarette. His hands were shaking.

 

‘Liam gave me keys to come check up on you. Here, can I?’ Nick stepped forward, gesturing towards the lighter. Louis regarded him for a second before nodding.

 

‘Good thing as well,’ Nick continued, quickly lighting the cigarette and then moving out of Louis’ space.

 

‘Why do you care?’ Louis says. His voice had become so bland over the last few days. Like there was nothing there. It was scary, even to his ears. ‘We’re not even friends.’

 

‘I like to this of us as frenemies.’ Nick announced, laughing a little. ‘Yeah you’re a right little shit you are. But I’m not actually that much of a twat to leave you like you were, and also, you’re not that much of a shit to deserve it.’

 

‘I don’t really know what I’m doing.’

 

He didn’t want to think about how much his heart was pounding. How much it felt like a defeat admitting that. But Nick didn’t even turn to look at him, just continued gazing out onto the street.

 

‘Yeah. I can see that.’ Nick said eventually. He flicked ash down near his boot, rubbing it into the concrete. ‘Maybe you should talk to someone. You know, like a counsellor? See if they can help you shake this?’

 

‘No.’ The word was out of Louis’ mouth before he’d even realised he’d said it. ‘I can’t.’

 

‘Okay.’ Nick replied easily, soothingly. ‘We’ll just figure it out on our own.’

 

-

 

‘Smells of coffee.’

 

Liam frowned and raised his eyebrows. Louis knew he was being dumb. It was a Starbucks, they dealt primarily in coffee. Everything about Starbucks was coffee. And even worse, Liam had been the one to choose the place they’d meet up, leaving Louis no choice but to trail after him into a loud shop that was unbearably warm.

 

But now he was here, and there was coffee in the air and Jake in his throat and Nick dancing between his eyelashes whenever he blinked and it all just felt so so wrong.

 

Especially when his best friend, or used to be best friend, Louis still wasn’t sure whether that was a term he was allowed to use for Liam yet, was looking at him like he was a stranger. Like he was a little bird that was blinking out of existence with every passing minute.

 

‘You don’t like it?’ Liam asked. ‘You used to love coffee shops.’

 

‘Reminds me of you,’ Louis replied and his voice felt too loud, but probably came out too quiet.

 

‘Really?’

‘We met in a coffee shop.’

 

‘We met at lower school,’ Liam corrected gently, leaning forwards across the table, into Louis’ space. Louis leant back and inhaled deeply.

 

‘Yeah, but you met _me_ , in a coffee shop.’ Louis said distractedly. God, it was warm in here. He fidgeted with his jumper, rolling the sleeves up and then pushing them back down. With every second, he felt like she was slipping just that little bit further and further away.

 

‘You don’t think you were you in lower school?’ Liam asked and his voice was even quieter than Louis’. His eyes were wide in a pleading sort of way, and Louis blinked slowly at him.

 

‘I was five.’

 

‘You were still Louis. Still Lou despite age and everything. That happy, mischievous, cheeky kid remember?’

 

Louis felt himself gone. He was gone from this Earth for a while. ‘No one’s themselves if they’re happy. Meet someone when they’re sad- then you meet the real version, the real fucked up true version. The worst version of a person, that’s always the true version.’

 

‘You’ve always been real. You’ve always been the real Louis,’ Liam said and he sounded so sad and little that Louis wanted to slit lines into the skin of his arm, because it was him that had made this.

 

He had formed this weird little bubble of incandescent, desperate grief, around the people he knew. It was loud and quiet at the same time, and when Louis so much as smiled at Liam anymore, it caused him to look back at him like he was a fragmented painting at the side of the gallery. No one knew what the fuck it was doing there, and between the Picasso and Mozart it looked simply appalling.

 

‘I was living in a fairytale.’ Louis said bluntly.

 

‘No you were-’

 

‘This is reality.’

 

‘Lou.’

‘I wanna go. Can we go? Please. If you’re, only if you’re done-’

 

‘Louis, it’s okay. Let’s go.’

 

 

-

 

‘So I heard you and Liam had a chat.’ Nick said, stretching his feet out in front of him. They were sat on top of Liam’s garage, smoking as the sun went down. Louis fiddled with the bandages on his arm. It had been Harry to find him, to cry and drive him to the hospital. The cuts weren’t dangerous, just deep. He needed three stitches each in five different cuts along his arm. The skin was already bruising from the injection they’d given him to numb the pain.

 

‘Couple of days ago.’ Louis agreed.

 

Recently, Nick didn’t really fuck off. He was always there, always easy and gentle. Louis couldn’t even remember what day it was, what he’d done two nights ago, but he knew that Nick was there through all of it.

 

‘He wants you to go to the doctors. If not for counselling then at least for your withdrawal.’

 

‘I’m not in withdrawal.’

 

‘Okay, sure. Except for how you are.’

 

‘I’m not a fucking addict Nick.’

 

‘If you weren’t so completely out of it all the time, without the energy to do anything other than sleep and eat and slash yourself up, you would have found a way out of this house and back to those shitty dealers in no time.’

 

Louis coughed. His eyes were so heavy.

 

‘Just think about it please?’ Nick asked. Louis turned and nodded, his eyes catching on Nick’s lip ring. It was black today.

 

‘Do you miss him?’

 

‘All the time.’ Louis replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you thought!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter! I'm on tumblr at thenleavetheband, if you want to come say hello! I will update as soon as I can.


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